


The Feeling is Mutual

by summerofspock



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on The Hating Game, Enemies to Lovers, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Love/Hate, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Romance, Starfleet, the whole gang's here i'm just not tagging them individually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-25 01:04:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14965766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerofspock/pseuds/summerofspock
Summary: When Pike assigned both Jim and Spock as his first officer, he sealed Jim's fate. A fate that involved tense silences, rude remarks, and a not-so-secret feud between himself and his co-first. It only gets worse when they get planet-side and have to manage the refit of the Enterprise together. Jim is certain he can handle it until their next mission. Then he discovers that Pike is retiring and he is up against Spock for the position of captain.In which things get worse before they get better, Jim wholly misunderstands Spock, and there are long discussions of how hard it is to have feelings.A Hating Game AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I've posted anything here but I've been working on this fic for the last two months or so and it is almost completely written with the exception of the last 2 or 3 chapters. That being said, I've got to put in some quality editing time (as I do not have a Beta so it takes a little more time to comb through everything) but I should be able to update once every 7-10 days depending on how hard real life is kicking my butt.
> 
> I read this book called The Hating Game which was this fantastic rom-com of a novel and all I could think about was how Kirk and Spock would handle being pitted against each other in a professional setting. I highly recommend the book if you're into sexual tension in non-fanfic stories. I've only borrowed some plot points here so it should still be a fun read for you.
> 
> Fair warning: I take some liberty with the technology present in Star Trek at this time as I have to believe that the Starfleet offices have phones and people don't just have personal comms. Who would you call if you wanted to reach a department but didn't know WHO was in the department?? Perhaps there is an answer to this in some well-thought out fan wiki but I just gave them office phones.
> 
> As always, thanks for giving this a try.

Jim runs into the elevator and jams his finger into the button for the 5th floor. He clicks it a few more times as if that will make the elevator move any faster. 8:08 dammit. Is it really his fault that his bike broke down and he had to take the hoverbus? Is it? He’ll need to set aside time on the weekend to fix it but he obviously couldn’t dig in this morning at seven-forty-god-damn-five. The elevator dings open and Jim exhales a sigh of defeat because there he is in all hsi Vulcan perfection. He doesn’t know what he expected it’s not like Spock is ever late.

“Good morning,” Jim says cheerfully as if hoping to mask his tardiness in a blanket of effusiveness and good will.

“You are 8.23 minutes late.”

Jim grits his teeth. “Yep. My bike broke down and I had to take the bus. I missed the 7:45 and had to take the 7:55.”

Spock doesn’t reply and Jim’s face goes a little red. He was rambling wasn’t he? He sets his bag down and settles in to his chair, the biometrics of his computer automatically recognizing him and booting up. He tries not to scrutinize Spock too much but as tends to happen his eyes drift over to the Vulcan. He’s dressed impeccably as always, blue shirt and black slacks. Jim thinks Spock only owns two types of blue shirts, his uniform and a formal off duty shirt. Today is an off duty shirt.

It’s been a year since they both were promoted to Pike’s first officer. Spock working with the numbers and Jim with the people. “Together you’re like the perfect first officer,” Pike had said jovially, sealing their fate.

At first Jim was excited, he always had liked working with people. And then he met Spock who was all blank stares and rulebooks and pinched eyebrows. Apparently, the guy used to be an instructor at the academy and Jim thanks his lucky stars he never took one of his classes. Jim doesn’t know how much of Spock’s behavior is Vulcan culture and how much was just Spock being a bastard. But damn does Jim hate that bastard.

Not that he ever shows it. Of course not. Jim is the picture of pleasant. He smiles at Spock every day when he arrives. For the first month after being planetside, he always asked him how his weekend went when Monday rolled around and even used to invited him out for beers with Leonard when happy hour finally came those first few weeks. But he was consistently met with a stoic wall and frowning eyes. Obviously, Spock did not engage in such frivolous pursuits.

And now here they are, both first officers on Starfleet’s flagship. Jim loves his job and is the youngest starfleet officer to ever be promoted to first, but he had done several of his ensign terms under Pike who called him promising, and taken him under his wing. Here Jim is a year later, and sometimes he even feels like a captain. A captain with an annoying hobgoblin helper.

“We need the status reports completed by 5 PM today,” Spock says breaking the silence abruptly.

“They’ll get done,” Jim says, trying to keep any gruffness from his tone.He takes a deep breath and thinks Pleasant. Sunshine. Flowers. Nice things. Non-Vulcan things.

“Have you reached out to Chekov for the latest numbers? He is not typically a prompt individual and requires additional reminders.”

“Of course I have,” Jim says, opening an email to do just that.

“Please send me them as soon as he provides them. While I am able to complete the calculations faster than the average human, I still require sufficient lead time.” Spock says and Jim thinks if the bastard could sound smug that he would.

“Can do!” Jim replies, sugary sweet, hoping that that is the end of it.

It is silent for a few blessed minutes until Spock opens his mouth again, “If you require a ride to or from work, please contact me as I am awake early and able to provide one. Here is my personal contact information.”

Spock lays a business card on Jim’s desk which he picks up gaping. He opens his mouth to say something polite yet artfully cutting when the elevator whooshes open and Pike strolls out. “Kirk, in my office,” he says and Jim has no choice but to stand and follow him, leaving that weird interaction in the dust.

**

“You looked like you were going to sprain something out there,” Pike says as he swings around his desk and settles into his chair. Jim envies his effortless grace and has thought more than once ‘I want to grow up to be just like him.’ Hero worship can be a dangerous thing but in this case Jim feels like it’s actually making him a better person.

Without waiting for Jim to answer Pike continues, “I know working with Spock can be...challenging, but I think you’d find it rewarding if you put in the effort.”

Jim resists the urge to snap that he has put in the effort and it’s Spock who rebuffs him at every turn. The coldness in the office has nothing to do with Jim and everything to do with the damn Vulcan who refuses to throw even a friendly word in Jim’s direction.

Until just now, that is.

“I’m trying my best sir, in fact, I think I may just have made a breakthrough. Or something.”

Pike laughs, a deep joyful sound. “Well, keep it up then. Let me know if you need anything. You looked like you needed rescuing out there.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, sir. And I kind of did.”

Jim turns to go and Pike stops him. “I heard a hubbub about some sort of controversy in the engineering department. Could you do some digging to see what’s going on? I think it needs the Kirk touch.”

“Absolutely, sir.” Jim says, leaving Pike’s office with a smile on his face. A real one. The Kirk touch. He does add goddamn value at this job no matter what Spock thinks.

Spock head snaps up from his work as soon as the door to Pike’s office open. Of course. Spock loves to stare at him whenever Jim’s not at his desk grinding away. Sitting on Kirk’s desk right next to his keyboard is Spock’s business card with his desk phone typed out above his email address, which Jim obviously has access to, but printed below it - in script so neat it is nearly the same as the typeface above it - is Spock’s personal comm number. He moves it out of the way and tries not to gape at it stupidly like his brain is telling him to.

He shoots off his message to Chekov about the status reports and picks up his phone to call Gaila who always seems to have her finger on the pulse of whatever gossip is running through the crew. The minute his fingers touch the receiver, Spock’s eyes flick up and bore into his hand as if daring him to pick up the phone. He continues on with his work and tries to ignore Spock’s gaze but it’s so heated that Jim nearly types in the extension wrong. Gaila picks up on the fourth ring and Jim spins around in his chair so he doesn’t have to be subjected to Spock’s death glare.

“Jimmy!” Gaila exclaims.

“Gaila,” Jim says in a slightly more subdued tone. He can feel Spock’s eyes through the leather of the chair. “How’s my favorite engineer?”

“I’m great! Did you hear what’s been going on in engineering?”

Bingo. He didn’t even have to ask.

“No. Want to meet for lunch and tell me?” Jim asks like she’s about to let him in on the best secret ever. He leans closer to the comm’s receiver like that will hide their exchange from Spock. It doesn’t. Jim can practically see his ears perk up as they strain harder to hear Jim’s conversation. Why did they have to share an office while they were planetside? Pike said it was so that they were both within yelling distance but why couldn’t the guy pick up a phone?

One more month. Jim grits out in his mind like a mantra. They are grounded for one more month and then they will be back up in the stars where they belong and where there is always ample distance between himself and his co-first.

The Enterprise is going through a refit and Scotty is overseeing the usual rounds. Gaila is his number one and seems to have a knack for spotting bad programming (not that Jim’s surprised, she’s a genius).

Pike rounds both him and Spock up for the 10 AM weekly departmental meeting with the bridge crew. Uhura, Scotty, Carol, Chekov, Bones, and Sulu arrive in a steady trickle into the conference room on the fourth floor. Uhura is by far the earliest which is no surprise. She is always way ahead of everyone else. She takes the seat next to Spock and they whisper to each other so that Jim can’t make out the words. He has a sinking feeling that it’s about him. He discreetly checks his clothes to make sure everything is zipped and tucked.

The door closes behind Sulu, the last arrival and Pike clears his throat.

“Thanks for coming today, as always. I’ve got a special announcement for the end of the meeting, so get excited, but first, let’s go through your updates.”

Each of the department heads gives a brief update on what they are working on while they are grounded. Scotty rambles on for a bit too long and Spock cuts him off abruptly with a, “I believe your update is sufficient Mr. Scott.”

Scotty’s words catch in his throat and Jim feels sorry for the poor guy, caught in the direct line of Spock’s vitriol. Thankfully, Scotty is too lighthearted to take Spock’s poor manners personally so he chuckles and says “Aye, sir. I guess I got a bit excited there.”

Pike stands at the head of the table and begins, “So first, the exciting news: the Enterprise has been selected to run the first ever five year mission.”

Collectively, the table gasps and look at each other. They had all heard rumors about a five year mission exploring deep space but they had been just that, only rumors. No one really believed it would happen yet but it was every starry eyed cadets dream. An almost endless expanse, go anywhere, explore, experience brave new worlds and civilizations. Jim’s heart jumps into his throat. He can’t wait.

“Now for the bad news,” Pike says with a self deprecating smile. “Since our crew has been selected for this mission, I have also been offered a promotion. To admiral. And I am taking it.”

This is followed by an even louder gasp from those in the room and Pike holds out a placating hand. “I can’t go out into space for 5 years. It’s one thing to be gone for 2 months, 5 months, but I have a wife here and I think it’s time for me to settle down behind a desk. Besides, don’t you think I’d make a good admiral?”

There’s a little laugh that runs through the room, echoed through everyone except Spock whose eyes are locked like lasers on Pike. Jim knows better than anyone how nerve-wracking that gaze can be, but Pike seems unbothered. “So, all that’s left is for me to find a replacement. A new captain. My official recommendation has been put into Starfleet-”

Jim’s heart swells even larger in his chest. He can’t believe it. He’s going to be a captain. He’ll be what? 32 this year? The youngest captain in history. He thinks he might throw up.

“-to select a captain from between my two esteemed first officers.”

Jim’s heart collapses in his chest as the words sink in. He’s up against Spock for his promotion. Up against Spock to achieve his dream. Now he really thinks he might throw up.

“Obviously the higher ups want everything to be impartial so they are sending a review board to select the most qualified candidate. Jim, Spock, you better brush up on your interview skills.”

Everyone turns to look at Jim and Spock respectively and the tension in the room is palpable as everyone falls into silence. It is no secret among the bridge crew-heck, the entire crew- that Jim and Spock despise each other. Their relationship is something of a sore point with the crew which prides itself on being like a happy family with individually strong relationships. The disconnect between Jim and Spock is a blight on what they believe to be their reputation.

Jim laughs awkwardly. “Interview? I’ll charm the pants off of them.” he’s trying his patented brand of slightly inappropriate humor but Spock turns slightly green, a sure sign that Jim is in for some sort of acerbic comment.

“Perhaps you should refrain from making sexual advances on the interviewers. I am uncertain if that will help or harm your chances of obtaining the position.”

“It’s a figure of speech, Spock,” Jim tries not to sound condescending but he’s pretty sure he fails.

Pike claps his hands to signify the end of the meeting and to curtail their exchange before it escalates. “Well that’s it for today. Jim, Spock - let me know if you want me to take a look at your applications. You’d both make fine captains. Unfortunately, there can only be one.”

 

The department leads file out slowly, Bones a little more slowly than the rest and Jim is left sitting at the conference table in shock. But he doesn’t have much time to linger. He’s got a lunch date.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! Thanks for reading! I've really appreciated the comments and kudos so far. Y'all rock!
> 
> There is some light Scotty/Uhura (mentioned) and EXTREMELY light past Spock/Uhura that coincides with canon. If either of those are your absolute NOTP then be warned. 
> 
> Additionally, there might be a slightly longer wait for the next chapter as it needs a little more editing love than these first two. 
> 
> Enjoy!

He meets Gaila at the cafeteria on campus. It reminds him of his time at the academy when he lived on soup and turkey sandwiches, but since they are planetside for such a short period of time, everyone’s taking shorter lunch breaks. and going to the nearest place possible. In their case, it's the cafeteria. 

Gaila hugs him when he approaches the table, grinning, always so happy to see him.

“I hear you have big news!” Gaila says excitedly as she resumes her seat.

Jim looks at her blankly and she continues, “You’re gonna be captain!”

All the air whooshes out of Jim’s lungs and all he can see is Spock’s smug face after Pike’s announcement. He forces down the image and says, “How did you hear about that? Pike just announced he was stepping down.”

“Uhura texted April who texted Gary who was getting coffee with me,” she explains with a wave of her hand. “Are you excited?”

“It’s not for sure, Gaila. Spock’s up for the position too so I still have to convince the review board I’d be a better captain.”

“But you would be!” Gaila insists. “Who would want Spock as a captain? The whole crew is terrified of him.”

Jim bristles a little and responds before he even realizes he’s talking. “He’s not that bad. He’s a very good first officer.”

Why the hell is he defending Spock? Spock is the bane of his existence, the guy who makes his mornings miserable, the one he wants to punch right in stupid Vulcan face. 

Gaila raises her eyebrows. She’s not the only one whos’ surprised so Jim swiftly changes the subject, hoping he won’t have to discuss the captain stuff-the Spock stuff-any further. “So you said something weird was going down in engineering?”

“Oh yeah!” Gaila says, the bewilderment passing from her face as her face shifts towards excitement. Jim loves that about her, how all of her expressions show on her face. He always feels like she is being honest. “So you know Ensign Jamison?” she lowers her voice as if the topic of conversation is somehow within earshot. 

“Yeah of course. Wrote her thesis on the absence of safety protocols in active warp cores. Very impressive.”

“Well, she’s even more impressed with Scotty if you know what I mean,” Gaila sits back and chomps on her celery, satisfied with dropping that piece of knowledge.

Jim’s a little confused and voices his lack of understanding. “What does that have to do with departmental efficiency?”

“Well, you know how Scotty has been - what is the word in standard- courting? Yeah courting Nyota.”

Jim chokes on his drink. “No. Wait what? How long has that been going on?”

“About 3 or so months. I can’t believe you didn’t know! I thought you had your finger on the pulse of what’s going on in every part of the ship.”

“I thought I did to,” Jim says, taking a contemplative sip of water.

“Well, Scotty’s trying to deal with Jamison’s advances but he’s not super good with people so instead of addressing the situation, he’s just been avoiding her. Which means he’s not giving his brightest recruit any tasks to complete and while we are in the refit, it’s made things go a LOT more slowly.”

“Hmm,” Jim say, “Do you think it would help if I talked to him?”

“When does it hurt when you talk to someone? You’ve got that way with people, Jimmy,” Gaila says grinning at him from over the rim of her orange juice. 

Jim hears the abrupt noise of someone clearing their throat behind him and he turns to see Spock looming over them. “Hi, Spock,” Jim says brightly, hoping that a positive interaction will force Spock to say whatever piece of vitriol he has stored up and then the interaction will be over.

“As we are nearing the end of the lunch hour, do you not think it is prudent to return to the office?”

Jim checks his watch and groans. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry Gaila. Reports won’t write themselves.”

“No worries! Maybe we can get drinks next Friday?”

“Of course. I look forward to it.” Jim gives Gaila a hug and all the while he can feel Spock’s eyes burning through him and sure enough when he turns around Spock’s expression is nearly thunderous. Or as thunderous as a Vulcan can be. “Geez Spock, chill out. I’m leaving.”

“If by “chill out” you mean relax, I am perfectly relaxed, Mr. Kirk.”

He get the feeling that Spock is waiting for him so he dumps his dishes and Spock falls in to step beside him. There is a hard silence between them which Spock breaks. “How long have you and Lieutenant Gaila been in a romantic relationship?”

Jim turns and looks at Spock in surprise. He thinks it might be the first personal question Spock has ever asked him. He resists the urge to say something biting and returns Spock’s somewhat friendly gesture with honesty. “We aren’t in a relationship.”

Spock raises his insufferable eyebrow but for once it is in curiosity and not in judgment. It’s the sort of scrutiny he’s only seen Spock give a particularly interesting science report and he think he likes having it directed at him for a change. It makes him feel heady with power. “But you wish to pursue one?”

“No. We actually went on a few dates when we first met but after that we both realized we got along better as friends and we were right.”

Spock nods. “I cannot say I understand your relationship but I appreciate you explaining it to me.”

“Of course. I can be your official illogical human consultant,” Jim says and he realizes he just flirted with Spock. SPOCK.

Spock’s mouth tenses in a way that has Jim bracing himself for a guarded insult and then Spock makes a minute huff that sounds like a laugh. It hits Jim like a ton of bricks. The look that he’s gotten so used to being terrified of? He realizes it’s Spock’s way of expressing happiness. “I shall take that into consideration.”

They’ve reached the office building and Jim holds open the door, mind whirling as it tries to re-assimilate memories of times when Spock had made that face at him and Jim reacted with a sharp remark. It would almost make him feel guilty if he didn’t hate Spock so goddamn much.

They enter the elevator together and it’s as if the closing of the doors is a pressure cooker for the tension that’s always boiling between them. Jim’s hands start to sweat. He does the only thing he can think to relieve the tension and blurts, “Thanks for offering to give me a ride earlier.”

“It is of no consequence,” Spock says dismissively and Jim tries not to feel affronted at the callousness of his tone. He reminds himself that’s just how Vulcans are.

“It was only logical for me to offer such a service as you are my colleague and any trials you may encounter would reflect negatively on the crew were you to be consistently late for your shift.”

His gut begins to burn as the anger threatens to bubble up to the surface

“Well, gee, thanks Spock. I’m glad you have so much faith in me.”

Spock opens his mouth to say something and Jim would say he looked almost apologetic if he didn’t know better. Spock never apologizes He’s saved from having to listen to whatever Vulcan bullshit was going to spill from his mouth by the opening of the elevator and an abrupt call from Pike. Jim practically runs to get into Pike’s office just to avoid whatever retort Spock has prepared. He’s not in the mood to be eviscerated just after lunch.

Pike -as expected- asks him about the status in engineering. Jim gives him a brief overview of the issue and Pike laughs. “Scotty would struggle with that. If I had a credit for every time a poor ensign got moon eyed in my direction, I’d be a rich man. You’ll chat with him?”

“Of course.” 

Silence falls briefly in the room and Pike hits the button on his desk that closes the door. “Jim.”

Something about his tone makes Jim fall into parade rest. “Captain.”

“I want you to know I recommended you for the job.”

Jim has to pick his jaw up off the floor.

“I don’t think Spock is made to be a captain. He’s a great first officer. Give him an administrative task and he’ll get it done in record time. But being a captain isn’t just about administration. It’s about people and being prepared to make tough decisions and I think you’ve got those skills in spades.”

“Thank you, sir. That means a lot.”

Pike bows his head in acknowledgement but says, “I’m just calling it like I see it. But unfortunately it’s out of my hands. When I submitted you for the promotion, the admiralty accused me of favoritism and said they needed an impartial recommendation. I can’t fault them for that.”

“I understand. I might be a bit disappointed but I think I can nail the interview.”

Pike grins and says, “I’ll be rooting for you.”

Jim leaves Pike’s office, ignoring Spock entirely as he gets in the elevator to head over to the shipyards and chat with Scotty. The way Spock’s cold brown eyes track his every movement is enough to make his blood boil.

**  
“Jim! What brings you up here?” Scotty says, his usual boisterous response somewhat undercut by the safety goggles covering his eyes, making him look like a sentient bug as he turns from the console he is replacing.

Jim had taken a shuttle up into spacedock where engineering had made their temporary home on the ship while it underwent updates and repairs. The Enterprise is one of the most advanced ships in the fleet, but as they say, the minute you stop updating your technology, it’s out of date. 

“Scotty!” Jim replies, reaching out to grasp Scotty’s hand in their usual semblance of handshake and hug. “How’s it going up here?”

“We’re a little bit behind schedule,” Scotty says and pulls his goggles up to rest on his forehead, creating a masterpiece of disheveled hair. “And I imagine that’s the reason behind your little visit.”

Jim grins a little sheepishly. “You caught me out. Could we snag a conference room and chat?”

Scotty rubs his hands on the rag hanging from his belt and nods. “Oh aye. Though I don’t relish gettin’ my hand slapped.”

“Trust me. That’s not what’s happening.”

They amble to the nearest conference room which is up a floor next to a rec room and chat amiably about Pike’s retirement and the five year mission. Scotty thankfully doesn’t mention the potential promotion. 

Jim sits across from Scotty at the 6 seat conference table and smiles in a way he has been told is “disarming.” He starts off easy. “How have things been going with the team?”

“Pretty well. Folks seem excited about a lot of the work we’re doing which usually makes it go faster but...”

“But it’s not,” Jim says, finishing the sentence for him. 

“Well, no,” Scotty admits.

“I hear it’s because you’ve spent a lot of time avoiding your team,” Jim begins. Scotty immediately turns red and tries to sputter a response but Jim continues. “It seems one of your ensigns is quite taken with you and that...makes you uncomfortable.”

“Of course it does! I don’t know what to say to her. Obviously I can’t cavort with someone on my team. Especially someone who reports to me.”

Jim folds his hands on the table in front of him. “Does that mean you’re interested?”

“No-No I’m not. Not at all. She’s so...young. And well, things with Nyota have been going well and I’m just not interested in anyone else,” Scotty says and Jim can hear the defeat in his tone. 

“Be that as it may, it doesn’t mean you have to run away from her. She’s a valuable member of your team and you should treat her as such.”

Scotty puts his face in his hands for a moment and then rubs his eyes before looking back at Jim. “I’m just not as smooth as you, Jim. I don’t know what to do. How do you handle it with Commander Spock?”

Jim is so thrown off by the mention of his co-first officer that he has to pause. The speech he had ready on the tip of his tongue falls away. “I think the situation is a bit different there.”

“I don’t see how it is,” Scotty insists. “He’s been mooning after you since the minute you stepped onto the bridge together and you’re so clearly not interested but you guys seem to work all right together. Even if there’s some residual tension, the work always gets done.”

For the second time that day, Jim is rendered speechless by one S’chn T’gai Spock. “Mooning after me?”

Scotty’s entire demeanor changes and he emits a loud belly laugh. “Oh aye. Those first couple of weeks on our first assignment were hilarious. The entire command staff had bets going about when he’d finally cave and ask you out. We docked before it ever happened. Nyota won that one.”

Jim brushes past the topic, storing it away to question Nyota about later. Weren’t she and Spock dating during their first mission? “Regardless, let’s talk about you and Ensign Jamison. You need to address the issue head on. Without talking to them about it, it’s clearly impacting productivity and we can’t have that at this point in the refit. You know that.”

“Aye, you’re right. What would you say to her? Or how would you even start that conversation? I think I can handle it once I’m in it. I just don’t know where to begin”

“Well, you’ll have to pick the words for yourself but I’d take her aside and say something to the effect of, ‘I really appreciate the work you do and I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you but…’ and then say something to let her down easy like you’re not looking for a relationship and even if you were you can’t date someone on your team or that you’re seeing someone else. Just be clear that it’s not going to happen between you two.”

Scotty sighs and says, “I’ll do my best.”

“Let me know if you need any additional support,” Jim says as he stands up. 

“Oh aye, Jimbo. Just so you know, I think you’d make a fine captain.”

Jim smiles tightly and brushes off the compliment with a joke even as the nerves threaten to rise up once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three is a little early! I finished the whole fic and wanted to celebrate by posting something! This one's a little short but there's a lot more to come!
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who has read and commented :) You guys make my day!

Jim arrives back at the fleet offices with a coffee in one hand and Vulcan tea in the other. He knows it’s stupid but after what Scotty said, even if it’s not true, he feels like he should offer some sort of olive branch to his co-first officer.

He settles into the elevator and wills his stupid heart to slow down and stop it’s fluttering. He’s been nervous all day since Pike’s announcement but this is ridiculous. When the door slides open, Spock looks up and where Jim would usually have expected a mask of judgment, he thinks he sees something soft in the Vulcan’s eyes. Has his perception been wrong this whole time? He mentally shakes himself. Nothing has changed.

He walks over to Spock’s desk and hands over the tea. “I got you a cup of that tea you’re always drinking.”

Spock looks down at the cup and then back up at Jim and says in what Jim can only assume is disbelief (this is after all, the first time Jim has done anything nice for him). “Tea.”

“Yeah, as a thank you for offering to give me a ride. I thought I’d try to return the favor.”

“You know my favorite tea,” Spock says in that flat tone of his that just yesterday infuriated Jim but for a beat he thinks he hears a note of reverence as Spock picks up the beverage and takes a slow sip.

“I mean it’s hard not to. It has a very…particular smell.” Jim tries not to be insulting but damn that tea is pungent. It’s not bad upon first whiff but after an hour of smelling the stuff from across the desk, it makes him feel a bit nauseous.

“Indeed. Vulcans do appreciate a more aromatic flavor profile than humans,” Spock says, turning back to his computer in a way that dismisses Jim from his desk. Interaction over.

As Jim slips into his chair he says, surprising himself, “So when do you want to head home?”

Spock is silent for so long, Jim thinks he might not have heard him but just as he’s about to repeat the question, Spock says, “In 1.5 hours.”

“Sounds good,” Jim says, opening his messages. “Chekov sent over that status report. I’ll forward it to you.”

Jim thinks he hears a murmured thank you but that has to be just wishful thinking. Spock doesn’t participate in human pleasantries. He’s told him so multiple times.

**  
They both pack up to leave at the same time. Jim feels unspeakably awkward and keeps telling himself it’s for the good of their relationship - and ultimately the good of starfleet - that Jim does not rebuff Spock’s first attempt at social contact between them. If you can consider giving someone a ride home social contact. With Spock, Jim thinks it counts.

They walk to the parking deck in silence and once they are inside Spock’s car, he asks, “What is your address?”

Jim rattles off the address of his apartment. It’s a little hole in the wall in New Chinatown. He could definitely afford something nicer but he likes the atmosphere and the food and the shops. It feels homey even if Jim has never been to China.

Spock nods and doesn’t comment even though Jim imagines he lives in some sharp high rise downtown where there are never cockroaches and his heater always works.

“What time do you leave in the mornings?” Jim asks casually, keeping his tone neutral to not set off any sort of conflict.

“I will leave my residence at 7:30 and arrive at your home at 7:45 so that we may drive to the office together.”

“That works. Thanks again.”

“It is of no consequence,” Spock says and it sounds downright friendly to Jim’s ears.

Jim spends the rest of the ride sneaking sideways glances at Spock. The Vulcan is good-looking, Jim can’t deny that. In fact, sometimes, it’s one of the things that Jim hates about the guy. If only he were ugly on the outside. He would deserve it and Jim would be in less danger of popping inappropriate hate boners at work. Jim finds his gaze slipping down Spock’s body and Jim is reminded of how it looks in his dress shirt, like it would be firmly muscled underneath. Jim wonders how much hair he has on his chest.

He faces forward before he’s caught staring.

They arrive at Jim’s house and pause briefly. Jim isn’t sure how to say goodbye to Spock. He has the weirdest urge to kiss him on the cheek and dismisses it immediately. It’s weird what things will pop into your head after a day spent staring at reports. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jim says awkwardly as he opens the door and steps out.

Spock inclines his head and says, just as Jim shuts the door, “I look forward to it.”

Jim wanders up the stairs to his apartment. What a weird day.

**  
The next morning doesn’t show any signs of being more normal. Jim spends extra time doing his hair in the mirror and smoothing down his work shirt. It’s not like it’s anything special, he always wears one of his business casual work button downs and this one is no different. He wonders what Spock will be wearing today and then stops himself.

Jim takes his last few minutes of peace to bury his face in his hands and take deep breaths. He goes downstairs at 7:42 and waits outside the stairs. Spock arrives at 7:45. He’s wearing a blue shirt.

**  
Tuesday is interminable. It’s a slog of reports and phone calls and statuses that Jim would rather not collect. It is nearly noon and Pike still has not showed up. Spock has been eerily quiet this morning, not even commenting on the loudness of Jim’s typing or the frequency of his phone calls as he does at least once a week.

Jim’s thoughts wander back to what Scotty had said yesterday. Spock used to have feelings for him. There’s no way. He drags himself back to memories from their first mission when Jim had first meet Spock. He remembers reporting for duty on the first day on the bridge and seeing Spock for the first time and thinking _damn he’s hot_. He stuck his hand out to Spock, “I hear we’ll be working together pretty closely,” Jim said with his brightest grin. Spock looked down at his hand like he’d rather spit on it than touch it.

“So I have heard,” Spock said and turned abruptly on his heel to resume his position at the science station.

Jim learned a few days later that trying to shake a Vulcans hand was a huge faux pas. Pike had nearly laughed himself into stitches when Jim asked why Spock was so rude. So, in order to clear the air, Jim approached Spock in the mess before Alpha shift. The Vulcan had been sitting quietly by himself at one of the tables in the corner. It seemed like some of the crew members avoided Spock, probably something to do with his uptight comportment and constant severe expression. Spock looked up from his--oatmeal? Jim had no idea--his expression empty yet expectant. “Can I help you Commander Kirk?”

Jim tried the same grin he had given on the first day, but it dimmed a little under Spock’s unblinking scrutiny. “I just wanted to apologize for trying to shake your hand when we met the other day. I had no idea it was against Vulcan customs. I mean I knew you guys did the-” Jim holds his hands up in a half-hearted ta’al “-but I thought you also shook hands. It was unspeakably rude and I apologize.”

“It is of no consequence. Humans such as yourself cannot be expected to treat other species with any reverence as they have a documented history of disrespect even among their own subcultures.”

Jim bristles at the implication. “It might be in our history but it is long past. Terrans are exceptional diplomats and excel is situations calling for sensitivity to diversity.”

Spock inclines his head. “It was not my intent to imply otherwise. Simply that you seem to embody the terran ideal of - how do they say it - shoot first and ask questions later? And your lack of foresight can occasionally cause lapses in judgment and etiquette.”

Jim opened his mouth and works his jaw. He came there to apologize dammit, not start a fight. “Gee Spock, tell me how you really feel.”

“I believe I just have,” Spock said, eyes returning to his oatmeal, dismissing Jim from his presence as neatly as he had insulted him.

Jim turned and found himself walking to the medbay without realizing it until he was halfway there. M’Benga was cataloging hyposprays by the doors and looked up when he entered. The doctor’s face lit up upon seeing Jim. He liked that about M’Benga who he knew from his time with Bones in the Fleet Hospital; he always seemed so happy to have visitors.

“Commander Kirk! What can I do for you?” he had asked.

Jim flopped down on a biobed, knowing he was being dramatic. “Are all Vulcans such jerks?”

Bones poked his head out of his office and said, “Is that Jim I hear?”

“Yeah, unfortunately.”

“What’s up Jimbo?” Bones said as he ambled over to the biobed Jim had collapsed on.

“I think our poor friend has had a run-in with the notorious new first officer,” M’Benga offers, closing the drawer he was inventorying.

“The pointy eared bastard?” Bones had asked.

“The one and only,” Jim confirmed.

“You do have to develop pretty thick skin working with vulcans,” M’Benga said. “I remember my first month on Vulcan. I think I cried twice and left the hospital in a rage more times than I can count. They’re not as mean as they seem.”

“It’s hard to tell,” Jim countered.

“I’m not going to argue with that. What worked for me was telling myself to be as friendly as possible and to embrace what many of them referred to as my ‘illogical humanity’ and I ended making some friends I’m still in contact with today.”

Jim hmms but couldn’t imagine being friends with Spock. He’d tear his hair out. Despite his certainty, he asked Spock to share a meal at the end of the next shift and was met with another blank eyed stare. “I have work I must attend to. Excuse me.”

Later, he saw Spock with Uhura in the rec room talking amiably and Jim did NOT tear his hair out but he did rant at Bones again that night over synthehol and replicated pizza.

After that, Jim stopped trying to be friendly, and treated Spock how Spock had treated him

Jim doesn’t feel like the way Spock is behaving now matches up with the Spock he remembers from a year ago. And the Spock from a year ago was decidedly unfriendly. Jim can’t say things have been much better over the last few months during the refit but if he’s honest with himself, he knows most of the hostility has been on his side. Not that Spock was innocent. How could someone who behaved like that be interested in him? There was no way.

He shoots a message off to Nyota asking if she’s free to grab coffee this afternoon and she responds quickly with a yes. They agree to meet in an hour so Jim wraps up the report he was working on and stands up with a quick stretch. He feels Spock’s eyes on him immediately and when he glances over Jim could swear his eyes were lingering on his body. He tugs down his shirt and smiles at Spock. It feels slightly more natural than it usually does. “I’m headed to get coffee with Nyota. Can I bring you back anything?”

Spock blinks three times and says somewhat slowly, “I would...appreciate another tea.”

“Can do!” Jim replies cheerfully and strides out of the room. He’s going to get to the bottom of this. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok my dudes, the angst is about to be turned up a notch. Sometimes when I'm writing fic, what I'm dealing with in my own life leaks in and I think that happened a little in this case.
> 
> Since the fic is done, I'm going to speed up my posting schedule. Probably every 2 days or so since I still need to edit the individual chapters. 
> 
> There is a minor section of this chapter that might be a little triggering for some people, please review the end of chapter notes for more details. 
> 
> Thanks everyone for the kudos and comments! I'm so glad folks are enjoying it so far.

The cafe Nyota had suggested is bustling with cadets and civilians alike. Much like Jim, Nyota prefers to frequent businesses that are not entirely subsumed in the culture of the Starfleet campus. It keeps you grounded, she says and Jim agrees.

 Nyota is early. When they spoke about meeting up, she had mentioned that her day had been fairly slow. She’s holding a green tea latte in a house mug and Jim greets her with a smile before she waves him off to order. He gets his usual black coffee and sits across from her in the not quite cozy wooden chairs with a table between them. Jim eyes the armchairs by the fireplace in the corner wistfully but they are taken up by young cadets, their noses in books, and Jim is loathe to interrupt them.

 They go through the conversation they have every time they meet with general life updates including work and not work. Jim takes the opportunity to question Nyota about the information Gaila had dropped. “So I hear you and Scotty are--”

 Nyota tucks her hair behind her ears primly. “We’ve gone on a few dates, yes.”

 “And how’s’ that going,” Jim asks before taking a sip of his coffee. It’s pretty good here but not as good as the cafe next to the office.

 “Better than I expected to be honest. When he first asked me out I thought, why not? It turns out he’s extremely sweet and a gentleman about everything. And, as I’m sure you know, he has the best sense of humor. It’s nice to date someone who laughs so easily.”

 “I’m glad it’s going well.”

 “How are you feeling about the potential promotion?” Nyota asks and the nerves he felt yesterday give way to a low excitement. He could be captain!

 “Nervous,” Jim admits. “Excited. I mean it’s what I always wanted.”

 Nyota nods. “To be honest, I’m surprised Pike put both you and Spock up for the job. Not that Spock wouldn’t be a good captain, I guess I just thought you’d be the natural choice.”

 “That’s what people keep telling me. It’s hard to be up against him, you know. Given our relationship,” Jim says with no little amount of bitterness.

 Nyota’s lips purse and she looks down at her tea cup like she wants to say something but she isn’t sure how. The expression flits from her face like she’s decided to say something else. “Did you hear my big news?”

 Jim shakes his head.

 “Lieutenant Keenan is being promoted to Lieutenant Commander and is moving over to the Tempest. I’m going to be Chief Communications Officer!”

 “That’s amazing, Nyota!” Jim exclaims in excitement, loud enough that the students in the corner look up to glare at him. He lowers his voice before continuing, “You were basically doing the work anyway. It’s exciting you’ll have the title that goes along with the job.”

 They chat for several more minutes, Jim checking in on Uhura’s latest linguistic obsession. This last month it has been Old Earth French. Once he notices that her cup is nearly empty, he bites the bullet and asks what he’s really wanted to discuss from the beginning.

 “So, Scotty said something to me yesterday that I can’t stop thinking about,” Jim says vaguely, unsure of how to begin.

 “Scotty?” Uhura says with a laugh. ‘He’s not exactly known for his way with words.”

 “It was more what he said than how he said it. When we…” Jim pauses and tries again, “During our first mission together as a crew, did Spock-was Spock interested in me?”

 Nyota chokes on her drink and a few seconds pass as she coughs into a napkin.

 “What makes you think that?” she asks in a nonchalant voice, wiping tears from her eyes.

 “Scotty said the whole bridge crew had a bet going of when he would finally cave and ask me out and that you won because it never happened.”

 Nyota looks chagrined. “You weren’t supposed to know about that.”

 “Oh I don’t care. If we didn’t bet on every little thing, life on a starship would be pretty damn boring. I just - I thought Spock hated me from the start. He was so...hell, he was so mean I couldn’t stand it.”

 “Look, Jim, I can’t discuss it without betraying Spock’s confidence. I will say it’s probably worth asking him about it. I can’t say I haven’t noticed the tension between the two of you but to be honest I always thought you knew the whole situation and just didn’t like it.”

 Jim hums in understanding, his mind almost entirely focused on memories from the last year. “I didn’t know.”

 “I guess I don’t see how that changes anything,” Uhura says, “You clearly dislike him.”

 “I’m beginning to think I don’t understand him.”

 **

 Jim picks up Spock’s tea and on a whim, one of those weird veggie biscuits he sometimes sees Spock eating. He knows he’s overdoing it but he ignores any misgivings he has. He’s beginning to think he has a lot of apologizing to do. Has _he_ been the jerk this whole time?

 The elevator pings open and Jim strides into the office with a smile. Spock looks up with his typical lack of expression and Jim doesn’t feel the usual surge of frustration. Progress.

 “I brought you tea,” Jim says placing it on Spock’s desk. 

“Thank you,” Spock says simply and Jim is reminded of how pleasant his voice is. It would give him chills if only he expressed a modicum of kindness.

“I also grabbed you one of those veggie rolls you like.”

Almost a mirror of the day prior, Spock blinks in surprise, his lips moving into the not-smile that Jim is finally realizing is frequently aimed in his direction. “That is very kind of you, but unnecessary.”

“I insist,” Jim says. “Consider it part of a seriously owed thank you for giving me a ride this week.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”

Jim feels dazed as he moves back to his desk and it takes a few moments for him to realize that this is the first time Spock has ever called him by his first name. He loves it.

“You know, Spock,” Jim begins from across the expanse of their back to back desks. Spock looks up at him expectantly. Jim used to hate the way he turned his whole body towards him like he was such an idiot that Jim needed his full attention whenever he had a question. Maybe it was more like Spock believed that Jim deserved his full attention any time he asked for it. God, Jim’s turning into a romantic just at the thought of his fucking sworn enemy being interested in him. He needs to get laid or something.

“I feel like I should do more to thank you for this week. Could I take you out to dinner this Friday? And don’t say you’re too busy. I know you’re not.”

“I would enjoy that,” Spock replies.

“Well, why don’t you pick a place and we can drive over there after work? I should have some time this weekend to fix my bike so I don’t think you’ll need to give me a ride next week.”

Jim is certain he imagine the minute falling of Spock’s expression as if he’s disappointed. He’s projecting at this point.

“It would be no trouble if you still required a way to get to work, but I wish expedience to your mechanic endeavors.”

Jim laughs. Only Spock could find 10 words to express, “Good luck at fixing your bike.”

“Thanks, Spock.”

They settle back into work for the next two hours, Jim sneaking glances at his desk partner and relishing the look on Spock’s face every time he takes a bite of the food Jim brought him.

**

The next day is a rush of being pulled in a thousand different directions. First Scotty needs a consultation on new equipment he wants purchased. Pike sends Jim with the directive “I trust your judgment.”

After an hour of Scotty’s jargon filled ramblings, Jim understands the need and approves the purchase order. Once on board the ship in space dock, Chekov tracks him down to discuss potential updates to the bridge which Jim listens to but denies. Chekov is always full of good ideas but very few of them are truly practical and it usually falls to Jim to break the bad news.

Once he manages to get back earthside, it’s already past noon and Jim is famished. He wants to take a well-deserved long lunch but gets called back to the office where Pike tells him and Spock the identities of the application review board so they can begin to research their backgrounds and tailor their applications to questions the folks are most likely to ask.

Jim is ready to eat his own arm when he gets a call from Bones asking for a quick procedures review for medbay and Jim grabs a protein bar in an effort to assuage his grumbling stomach. Getting this hungry always puts him on edge. It reminds him too much of things he’d rather not think about.

He arrives at Starfleet Medical and Bones talks his ear off. It turns out Jim just needs to sign a few things as his input is not really needed and he’s able to go to lunch. It’s 4 PM. He still hasn’t eaten and the protein bar did nothing for the aching in his stomach. Jim tries to avoid being so busy that he can’t eat but whenever it happens, he becomes wound so tight that he worries he could snap at any moment. On a starship he can focus on his duties and the rattling emotions fade. But here planetside, he has nothing to distract him. He tries not to fall into memories of rotten wheat and sand and incredible hunger, constant pain but it’s difficult to avoid. It happened nearly twenty years ago. He’s happy now. While that might be true, it doesn’t bring erase what happened.

He spends a few minutes in a closet taking deep breaths before returning to his desk. As always, Spock’s eyes are on him and Jim doesn’t think he can stand it.

“Can you not stare at me for fucking once?” he snaps.

Spock stands abruptly and Jim’s fight or flight instinct rears its head, adrenalin and the pleasure of lashing out setting in. “Commander, you are clearly distressed. If necessary I can accompany you-”

“Accompany me where, _Commander_? Somewhere to finally hit me the way you’ve always wanted to? Why not here, Spock? Pike’s gone for the day. Fucking hit me.” Jim relishes the way Spock flinches back slightly at the accusation.

“I will not hit you, Mr Kirk,” Spock’s hands are out in front of him in a placating gesture, like he’s trying to tame a wild animal. “Nor do I-have I ever wished to.”

“Yeah right. Either hit me or fuck me and given the fact that you hate my guts, the latter seems out of the question.”

The way Spock’s eyes widen and his tongue flicks out to wet his lips confirms everything Scotty told him. He practically flies at Spock, pressing him against the wall. ‘Well, are you gonna do it or not?”

Then Spock crushes him back, pressing their lips together violently. They’ve barely kissed and Jim’s so turned on he might die, his emotions swinging from anger to lust so quickly that he becomes disoriented. Then Spock’s tongue flicks out and and Jim meets it desperately, their lips sliding together exactly the way Jim likes it. Spock pulls back a moment later and opens his mouth to say something, the break in contact is like a shock of cold water and Jim pulls away. Before Spock can say anything Jim bites out, “I’m taking the bus home.”

He storms out of the office. His lips are still tingling.

**

Jim sits in his apartment, three glasses of whiskey deep. The lamp filters through the amber liquid beautifully as Jim holds it up to the light. He feels relaxed for the first time all day, no longer preoccupied with memories best forgotten. He had a light dinner of cheese and crackers, enjoying the salty taste paired with the whiskey.

His comm pings.

An unsaved number pops up on the screen and Jim opens it with only a minor amount of fumbling.

_I apologize for my breach of decorum. You were clearly in a compromised state and I should not have behaved as I did._

It can only be Spock. Guilt over his behavior earlier in the day floods him. He should have given himself more time to cool off but he’s never been good at that, he wanted to pick a fight, to feel completely absorbed in adrenaline. Spock was not a good target.

_No apology necessary. I started it._

And because it seems like a good idea at the time.

_You’re a good kisser_

He’s mortified the moment he presses send.

_I am gratified to hear it._

_Will I see you at 7:45?_

_Yeah that works. Sorry again._

_All is forgiven._

The exchange leaves Jim feeling warm as the embarrassment fades. He wraps himself in a blanket and grabs a cup of water before heading to bed. He doesn’t dream.

**

The ride to work the next day is unspeakably awkward. Jim almost convinces himself to say something multiple times but never works up the nerve.

As they park, Spock asks, “If your offer for dinner still stands,  I have selected a restaurant with suitable vegetarian options that should still satisfy your palate.”

Surprised, Jim rushes to reassure him. “Of course. Yes. I’d like that.”

Spock nods in that slight way of his and Jim feels relieved.

The tension disappears between them and the ride in the elevator is simply quiet, not painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim experiences a trauma related episode in this chapter so if that's triggering for you feel free to send me a message if you want a few more details.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for commenting and leaving kudos! I'm so glad folks like this so far. I'm giving Spock more of a Stark Trek Beyond characterization in this fic (or for fans of the original, more of a post STIV : the one with the whales characterization). Think soft baby Spock instead of choking and beating up people Spock. 
> 
> Minor TW: Vomiting and descriptions of temporary illness.

Jim finds the day passes quickly with the prospect of dinner to look forward to. And what a thought. He’s looking forward to dinner with Spock. He’s thankfully busy most of the day so he doesn’t have a lot of time to dwell on it.

 The excitement turns to nerves as the day progresses. What was he thinking? Him and Spock can never get along and the last year proved it. Hell, yesterday proved it. What is he doing asking the guy out on an almost-date? He wonders if it’s pity informing his decision but he doesn’t think so. When he thinks about Spock’s potential interest in him his heart beats faster and he feels like a schoolboy with a crush.

 Ridiculous.

 When they leave for the day, it is in silence but when Spock slides into the driver’s seat with Jim beside him, he asks, “Did you have a productive week?”

 Surprised at the attempt at small talk, Jim answers without thinking. “Yeah it was super busy.”

 “You are unusually capable of handling stressful situations. I have long admired your professional flexibility.”

 “You admire MY ability to handle stressful situations?” Jim says incredulously. “You’re like a rock all the time. I think I once saw 20 tasks come your way at once and you just handled each one as efficiently as always. Besides, you saw me fly off the handle as recently as yesterday.”

 “While that is true, my remarks were mostly related to your quick and efficient thinking while on duty. I do not believe youi are well suited to desk work and it causes you distress when you are sedentary,” Spock replies. “In my case I am not as immune to stress as you believe. I simply control my reaction to the everyday stresses that come with employment in Starfleet. It is the Vulcan way.”

 “Yeah, the reformation and Surak and stuff right?”

 Spock’s eyes flick over to him before refocusing on the road. “You know of Surak?”

 “Yeah, it’s a little-uh embarrassing but when we first met, I really wanted to figure out why you didn’t like me so I did a ton of research on Vulcan culture in my spare time just to see if I could figure out what I had done to offend you. Turns out there wasn’t anything culturally insensitive after that time I tried to shake your hand.”

 “Despite your initial misstep, I have always thought of you as particularly sensitive to my heritage. Unlike Dr. McCoy who seems to think the way of Terrans is the best way in our galaxy.”

 “I think Bones is just old-fashioned.”

 Spock doesn’t respond as he pulls into a parking lot next to a small building. He chose an old fashioned diner that’s all sleek chrome and red seats.

 “I have selected this restaurant as it has several vegetable based sandwiches and an array of more traditionally Terran food if you are interested in eating meet this evening.”

 “Hey, I can go veggie for an evening. Live like Spock,” Jim says teasingly. He feels so at ease that he keeps catching himself falling into habits he only has with Bones. He almost knocks his elbow against Spock in the same camaraderie but realizes that would probably freak him out.

 Spock orders for them and they resume their conversation. Somehow they both avoid the topic of the promotion for the first thirty minutes of their meal and of course Spock is the one who brings it up.

 “Have you begun your preparation for your interview?”

 Jim’s hackles immediately rise up. “Why? You looking to get  information you can use against me?”

“Quite the opposite. I simply wondered if you needed any additional support in the preparation of your interview materials.”

"What you think I can’t do it myself?”

Spock looks at him coldly. Or maybe sadly. Jim isn’t sure at this point. “I fully believe in your ability to show your worth.”

“Even if my worth is less than yours?”

“I did not say that nor do I believe it.”

Jim doesn’t let his defenses lower despite Spock’s placating tone. “Why do you want to be captain?”

“It is the next logical step in the sequence of my career. Why do you wish to be appointed to the position?”

“I’ve always wanted to be a starship captain. Ever since I was a kid I was obsessed with space. This is my dream, Spock.”

"Then I wish you success in your endeavors.”

It is silent for a few moments and the pair of them tuck into their food. It smells like Jim’s childhood in Riverside. His favorite restaurant was an old-style soda shop.

 “So what’s your favorite part of serving on a starship,” Jim asks, burying the hatchet he recognizes he definitely raised.

 “Discovering information that no one has discovered before. Whether it be in the lab or on away missions. The infinite diversity of the universe fascinates me.”

 “Sounds like you missed your calling as a science officer. You sound like Carol,” Jim says, admiring Spock’s expression when he talks about something he is so clearly passionate about.

 A brief contemplative expression passes over Spock’s face before he asks, “Do you know where Dr. Marcus’s next assignment will be now that she is leaving the Enterprise?”

 “Last we spoke, she told me she wanted to stay on Earth and research terraforming. I’m not sure though. She might teach.”

 “I believe she would be an exceptional teacher. If you do not mind my asking, why did your relationship end?”

 Jim laughs. “And I thought we kept it a secret. Well, to be totally frank, Carol knew she wanted a family as soon as possible and I wasn’t so sure so after a month or so we decided to end things. Our long term goals just didn’t align and we didn’t want to get so far into a relationship that it would hurt more to end it.”

 “A logical conclusion and not one I would expect you to come to.”

 “Why is that?”

 “You by all appearances are a creature ruled by passion. I did not believe you to be one to allow the threat of the future to determine your actions in the present.”

 Like most of Spock’s statements, it’s almost insulting. But Jim can see the truth in it. And the way that Spock, in an attempt to share an honest opinion, tried to phrase a difficult truth in as matter of fact terms as possible.

 So instead of responding with an insult, Jim shrugs his shoulders. “It was Carol’s idea and I wasn’t one to argue.”

 They finish their meal and despite the dread that Jim had felt in the hours leading up to the not-date, he thinks it went pretty well. He feels warm thinking about it and surreptitiously presses his hands to his cheeks, he can feel them heating up.

 He climbs into Spock’s car and there is a pause before Spock starts the car. He looks over at him and he is regarding Jim with the same impassive face he always wears. “You are quite pale. Do you feel alright?”

 “Yeah, I’m fine,” Jim says dismissively, but as they drive to his apartment, he feels worse and worse. The road speeding by starts to spin and he leans his head against the window in an attempt to steady himself.

 When Spock stops in front of his building, Jim steps out and nearly falls against the car. He doesn’t feel so good. He leans forward and pukes onto the sidewalk. Embarrassed he tries to hurry into his apartment but hurrying in his state is actually rather slow, and Spock is by his side in a moment. He looks up at him and the spinning gets worse and then he’s falling.

 He wakes up in his bed with a garbage can next to him. He does not feel any better. Spock is halfway through removing his shirt and Jim wants to make a flippant remark but it comes out as a groan as his stomach rolls uncomfortably.

 “There is vomit on your shirt.” Spock says by way of explanation, finally getting the shirt off of Jim’s shoulders. Jim thinks he’s going to barf again so he’s thankful when Spock gets up to put his shirt in the laundry. He leans over the side of the bed and pukes into the can Spock presumably placed there with the usual foresight Jim truly admires in him. He hangs over the side of the bed after he finishes puking. He feels terrible.

 Spock returns and rifles through his drawers. He wishes he wouldn’t. He doesn’t even fold his clothes and Spock’s going to judge him. Jim bets that Spock folds everything perfectly and that his clothes look like he just bought them at a department store. Spock pulls out one of Jim’s old t-shirts and tries to hand it to Jim but when he tries to sit up, everything spins. Spock’s by his side in a moment, helping him sit up with one hand and using the other to help Jim get the shirt over his head.

“I will contact Dr. McCoy. Please drink the water I have left on your bedside table. Hydration is important after regurgitation.”

“Ugh, don’t say regurgitation,” Jim says, laying back against the pillow and flinging his hand over his eyes.   
  
Spock leaves the room and Jim can hear him on his comm. 

“Dr. McCoy, it is Spock.”

“I know who it is. What do you want? It’s Friday. Normal people are relaxing.”

“I am with Commander Kirk. He is unwell. We ate dinner together and he now has a fever of 100.1 and has vomited twice. Do you have any recommendations for his care?”

Bones groans through the comm and says, “Put Jim on the line. That goddamn idiot.”

Spock returns and hands the comm to Jim who takes it with shaky hands without sitting up. He learned his lesson there.

“What did you eat Jim?” Bones asks through the comm.

“Just a veggie burger and fries.”

Jim can practically hear Bones facepalm. “Sounds like run of the mill food poisoning. Also, you’re going to explain what the hell you’re doing going out to dinner with the hobgoblin as soon as you’re not puking your guts out.”

Jim hands the comm back to Spock without responding. “Yes, Dr. McCoy,” the Vulcan says primly.

“Ok, Jim is allergic to the typical anti-nausea and fever hypos so your best bet is to let this pass. Someone will need to be with him through the night as the food poisoning gets worse. I can come by in an hour and stay with him.”

“There is no need. I am already here and will care for him.”

It is silent for a few moments before Bones replies. “Ok. Jim - are you ok with that?”

“Yeah,” Jim rattles out.

“Ok, your call. Then, Spock, give him ibuprofen for the fever. Once every six hours. It doesn’t work as well as the hypos but it will have to do. Make sure he drinks water.”

“I will follow your instructions.”

Spock hangs up the comm and looks at Jim. Jim vomits.

**

It turns out Jim can’t keep down the ibuprofen pills. He takes the two that Spock hands him and promptly vomits ten minutes later. His puke is tinged the orange color of their coating and he flops back into the bed.

“Jim, I must change out the garbage bin. I would like to escort you to the bathroom in the interim in advance of any additional regurgitation.”

Jim nods and Spock moves the garbage can away from Jim’s bed and puts his arms under Jim, lifting him into a bridal carry. Jim almost objects but he finds he doesn’t give a fuck. Walking would suck right now.

Spock helps him stand in the bathroom and Jim nearly falls over. He helps Jim lower to his knees where he can grip the toilet like it’s his best friend. It’s clean. Spock cleaned his goddamn toilet. He turns to thank him but he’s already gone. Jim falls asleep gripping the toilet.

Jim is so sweaty. He feels like he’s covered in ice and burning at the same time. He’s so thirsty, his mouth feels caked in sand. Warm hands grip his arms as he tries to stand up and leave his bed. The hands burn and feel good at the same time. He realizes it's Spock and can’t figure out why he’s there. Jim is clearly dreaming. Why would Spock be in his dreams?

“What are you doing here?”

Spock pushes him back against his pillows and places a cold compress on his head. “You are experiencing a severe allergic reaction to food we consumed earlier. I am ensuring you recover quickly.”

“I’m sick?” Jim asks. “This isn’t a dream? Why would you be here? Don’t you hate me?”

“I do not hate you, Jim.” Spock runs the cold cloth down Jim’s face. It feels amazing on his cheeks..

“Right! Scotty said you were in love with me or something which is crazy. Since you’re so mean to me. Then again, you’re mean to everyone else so who knows.”

Spock drops the cloth on Jim’s neck suddenly and it’s so cold that Jim yelps. Spock picks it up quickly and places it back on Jim’s forehead. “You were not supposed to know.”

“What? That you’re mean? You don’t exactly keep it a secret.”

Jim looks up and through the haze and dizziness, Spock looks so beautiful. His stupid bowl cut is in slight disarray and his cheekbones are filled with the green color that Jim has tried not to fall in love with for years.

What? The fever’s clearly going to his head.

“I want to kiss you again,” Jim says.

Spock ducks his head and says, “Perhaps at a later time.”

Ignoring him and his nearly drunken rambling, Spock pours out two bright orange pills and forces Jim to take them. They are gross but water feels amazing in his mouth.

“Why don’t you like me Spock?” Jim asks. “I like you so much, it makes me hate you. How can I make you like me?”

“You could not do anything to make me like you more than I already do. You should sleep.”

“Hmmmm,” Jim says and turns over, pulling the sheet around his shoulder. Spock makes a good point. He is so tired.

When he wakes again, he’s not sure if the new memories are real or not. They have the fuzzy quality of a dream but now that Jim’s more present he’s smart enough to realize they could just be tinged by fever. He’s mortified and hopeful at the same time. It’s dark outside so he knows several hours have passed. He gets up and feels less like the walls are the ceiling so he stumbles into the living room to get another glass of water.

When he opens the bedroom door he sees Spock, cocooned on the couch under several blankets. Jim realizes it must be freezing in here for a Vulcan. At the sound of the door closing, Spock opens his eyes and Jim apologizes, his throat gravelly from vomit and sleep, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I was not asleep, simply attempting to meditate. What do you require?”

“I wanted to get some water. I think I’m feeling better.”  
  
"I am gratified to hear that,” Spock says before he stands and removes the blankets from his body, meticulously folding each one. There’s something about the domesticity of it that tugs at Jim’s heart strings.

 “You can stay if you want,” Jim says.

 Spock falters mid-fold and looks at him, his eyes searching. “It is late. Perhaps it would be best for me to stay as someone should be present in the case your reaction is in fact not over.”

 “Well, I’m super exhausted so I’m headed back to sleep but feel free to help yourself to whatever you’d like in the kitchen. I don’t eat veggie so just ignore the meat you see.”

 “The presence of meat does not offend me. I would simply prefer not to ingest it.” Spock looks so prim when he says this that Jim laughs softly. It’s all he really has energy for.

 “I feel like I have a lot to thank you for but we can talk in the morning.”

 “In the morning,” Spock replies, settling back onto the couch.

 “Also, I think I have a space heater in the hall close it. Feel free to use it if you’re cold.”

 Jim goes back into his room, but he doesn’t close the door. The sounds of Spock moving about the living room, lulls him back to sleep.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy that you all are enjoying this story! Your comments give me life :)
> 
> This chapter was one of my favorites to write. I hope you love it!
> 
> Also, I mention Jim's parents in this chapter, so it's important to note that I'm using TOS Kirk's family background and not the kelvin timeline so Jim's dad is still alive but still a somewhat well known starfleet captain.

When Jim wakes up again, the sun is barely rising in the sky and it’s 7 AM. His body still aches but he can’t sleep. He crawls out of bed and groans. Food poisoning is the worst. He drinks some water from the cup on his bedside table and it doesn’t immediately make him nauseous so he feels emboldened. Leaving his room, he crosses to the kitchen where he opens his cupboard to look at his food supply. He looks at a loaf of bread considering toast and his mouth fills with bile at the thought. He pukes meagerly in the sink and turns around wiping his mouth with a paper towel.

 Spock is sitting on his couch watching him and Jim starts. He’d nearly forgotten he told Spock he could stay.

 “How are you feeling?” Spock asks.

 “Oh you used the F word,” Jim teases as he slumps onto the couch next to his co-first.

 “I was referring to your physical rather than your emotional state. Though I would not be averse to listening to either.”

 “Well, physically I feel like twice boiled shit.” Jim huffs out a laugh. “And emotionally, I feel pretty damn confused.”

 Feeling a surge of confidence more well-suited to the person Jim knows he is in romantic situations, Jim adds, “Did we have a conversation when I was feverish?”

 “You said many things while your temperature was over 101 degrees.”

 Jim deflates a little.

 “But I believe I know to which exchange you are referring.”

 What a relief. Or maybe not. At least Jim knows where he stands now.

 “The exchange led me to believe we have been miscommunicating to the extreme. I wish to remedy this. Would you be interested in coming to my home for dinner on Monday after work?”

 “Is it a date?” Jim asks unable to keep the flirtation from his tone.

 “I would like it to be,” Spock says firmly, though the color in his cheeks belies some level of nerves.

 “Then it’s a date,” Jim says equally firmly.

 Spock stands, “As I believe the worst of the illness has passed, I will take my leave of you.”

 Jim nods. “Thanks again for taking care of me. It couldn’t have been pleasant.”

 “While some moments were distasteful, I found your behavior in your fevered state...fascinating.”

 “Really?” Jim asks leading him to the door. “How did I measure up against your fascinating experiments?”

 “There is no comparison,” Spock says before stepping into the hallway.

 Jim smiles at Spock through the doorway and the moment is so sweet, he doesn’t want it to end. “You know, I think I’m looking forward to getting to see the real you.”

 “The feeling is mutual, Jim.”

 “See you on Monday.”

 Jim closes the door and stands there with his hand on the doorknob for a few extra moments. It feels surreal as he walks to the bathroom and starts the shower.

 **

 The interviews are on Friday but Jim is distracted by thoughts of his date with Spock Monday night. He spends Monday morning skimming through the files of the various interviewers and taking brief notes that he hopes will help inform his interview.  The whole time, possibilities flit through his brain. Will he get to make out with Spock for real, what’s Spock’s apartment like, what does his bedroom look like, will he get to see it, boy how he’d like to see it. And when he’s not obsessing over what might happen, he’s thinking about what Spock said on Saturday morning. He was so kind to Jim that Jim almost thinks he’s a different person than the Vulcan that tormented him throughout their time in space. But then again, Jim is realizing his perspective was somewhat fucked at the time. He’s hoping they can talk about it tonight.

 Spock doesn’t notice Jim’s distracted demeanor and is downright friendly during their exchanges. Jim can detect a hint of hesitance in their conversations like Spock is thinking hard about choosing the right words but Jim appreciates the effort.

 Jim preps his statement for the interviews on Friday and sends it to Bones for a preliminary review. _Do i sound like an asshole?_ Jim asks in the message that he attaches the statement to. He’s worried he sounds a bit too full of himself but he can always trust Bones to call him out.

 After Spock had left on Saturday, he got an angry call from Bones demanding to know why the hell he'd been hanging out with the hobgoblin recreationally. Jim invited him over and tried to explain as best he could.

 “I don’t know Bones. I think I’ve been wrong this whole time.”

 “This whole time? The whole last year? That seems pretty damn unlikely.”

 “Scotty and Nyota told me that Spock had feelings for me and that’s why he was acting all weird.”

 Bones fell silent at that revelation and sat back in his chair. “If that’s true then...”

 “Then I’ve been a jerk to Spock for the last 9 months.”

“But if he does have feelings for you, would you even interested?” 

“I mean besides the fact that Spock is hot - don’t make that face, Bones; it’s like an objective fact - besides the fact that Spock is hot, I think I don’t even  know what kind of person he is. I’ve spent the last year making up all these traits based on interactions I didn’t understand. I’m all twisted up about it.”

“Well then how do you untwist?”

“We’re going on a real date,” Jim said, waiting for a deluge of swearing and being told he’s making a mistake. It doesn’t come.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Bones asked, looking at him in that way that makes Jim feel like Bones can read his thoughts.

“I think we need to find some way to communicate better and the best way to do that is to spend time not at work one on one. And that’s what we are going to do.”

“And why can’t you do that platonically?”

And isn’t that the heart of it.

“I don’t think I want it to be platonic,” Jim admitted.

“I just wanted you to say it,” Bones said with a grin.

Jim threw his pillow at Bones, who caught it deftly and laughed. “Don’t take it out on me. It’s your mess.”

Jim appreciates the opportunity he had to talk it out with his friend. He feels significantly less turned around now that he has a better grasp on how he's feeling. If someone had asked him last Monday if he would be interested romantically in Spock, Jim would have laughed in their face and asked them if they’d been into the Saurian Brandy. But here he is now, palms sweating slightly and heart skipping every time Spock asks him for his input on some goddamn specs for the ship. He hates it.

He loves it.

Ain’t that the mantra for this stupid situation.

He leaves with Spock in the evening, he’d packed after-work clothes to change into at Spock’s place. When he picks up the bag from under his desk, Spock raises an eyebrow at him. “Hey, not all of us like to be in uniform all day,” Jim says in a playfully defensive tone.

“I would have lent you clothes if you so desired,” Spock says as they enter the parking garage.

Jim’s brain short circuits and the idea of wearing Spock’s clothes. Something hot and possessive inside of him rears up and indicates its pleasure at the mere thought. Jim pushes it down.

“You shouldn’t have to go to the trouble.”

"You should not have to pack a bag for a date,” Spock returns and Jim is 90% sure he’s flirting.

 Emboldened, Jim knocks his elbow against Spock and says, “What if I wanted to look pretty for you?”

 “Then I am grateful.”

 They’ve been driving for a few minutes when Jim turns to Spock. “Hey I know this is a date and all but I just want to say that I really want to avoid any more misunderstandings. So let’s make a deal: I’ll be as honest as possible all night as long as you’ll be too.”

 Spock considers it for a moment. “A pact of open communication.”

 “Exactly,” Jim says.

 “I cannot argue that that is not a good idea. I believe honesty would perhaps have prevented many of our more contentious interactions.”

 Feeling relieved, Jim leans back in his seat.

 They arrive at Spock’s apartment building and it’s exactly as Jim expected. A talk sleek building in downtown near the campus. Spock lives on the 8th floor and when Spock opens his door Jim is shocked. But the interior of the apartment is nothing like the exterior of the building. While Jim can see the remnants of the sharp architecture and cold metal style of the building. Spock has decorated in warm burgundy and gold. The drapes look like velvet and the whole apartment feels downright gaudy. There is a large gargoyle-esque statue in the corner and three potted plants that Jim does not recognize.

 “Woah,” Jim says. “This is nothing like I expected.”

 “If you do not mind the question, what did you expect?”

“I don’t know. Lots of black, blue, silver. Everything to be cold and contained. Kind of like you I guess.”

“I have decorated in the traditional Vulcan style,” Spock explains. “My people prefer the warm tones of my desert planet.”

“It’s a little...I don’t know. Gaudy? Not to be insulting, “ Jim says.

Spock does that little huff laugh thing that Jim has only just realized is in fact his laugh and not a sign of frustration and says, “The Vulcans are an ostentatious people. Though I do not believe you could get them to admit that.”

“I think I just did,” Jim says, taking a seat on the couch.

“As I am half human, I am not sure it counts.”

Jim looks over the back of the couch at Spock where he still stands in the doorway, placing his comm on the table in the entryway “Really? I didn’t know that.”

“It is not something I advertise. My mother is human. My father is Vulcan.”

“Where do they live?” Jim asks.

“While my parents primarily reside on Vulcan, they do own a home in San Francisco. My father serves as an ambassador to earth.”

Spock sits next to Jim on the couch and he becomes acutely aware of the space between the two of them. Less than two feet he’d wager. “Your father is George Kirk,” Spock says, phrasing it like a question.

“Yeah, he is,” Jim rubs his hands down his thighs as they are unaccountably sweaty. “Mom’s Winona Kirk. Dad’s a captain. She’s an engineer. They were away a lot when I was growing up but that’s ok. I stayed with a lot of family in a lot of different places.”

“Where have you lived?”

Images of fields in famine flash through Jim’s mind. He pushes them away. “Oh loads of places. Do you have a bathroom where I can change?”

Spock shows him down a hallways where he finds a door leading to a large bathroom. The room smells like incense and cinnamon and like the rest of Spock’s apartment, undeniably clean. Jim changes quickly into loose jeans and a T-shirt. He won’t lie, he choose the shirt for the way it’s thin material stretches across his chest and biceps. He knows he looks good. And thankfully, he’s comfortable too.

He stuffs his work clothes into the bag he brought and re-enters the living room. Spock is standing by the stove, heating up water. “Would you care for some tea?”

Jim tries not to make a face. “Is it that stuff you usually drink?”

“While I have that type of tea, I also have teas that are more agreeable to the human palate. Would you prefer peppermint or earl grey?”

“Peppermint,” Jim says, coming to lean against the island in the kitchen. “What are we doing for dinner?”

“After our previous experience, I wasn't sure you’d trust me to provide you with food,” Spock says and Jim immediately realizes he’s joking. His brain doesn’t have to bend over backwards to hear the teasing note in Spock’s tone.

Jim laughs. “I think I’ll blame that one on the restaurant. Besides, I’d like to see what kind of things you whip up in the kitchen.”

“I have been told on several occasions that I make a “mean fettuccine.” Is that a dish that you enjoy?”

“Hell yeah it is.”

Jim pulls up a stool and watches Spock collect ingredients. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I do not believe so but your offer is appreciated. Would you like to tell me about your day?”

Jim laughs. “You were there for most of it.”

“While that might be the case, I would be interested to hear your perspective on the events as I only have knowledge of my own.”

There’s something so romantic and considerate about the prospect that Jim’s face warms up. “Well, things in engineering are a little slow and Pike is on my ass about it but I can’t do anything for their efficiency until Scotty deals with the fact that one of his ensigns has a crush on him, but you know Scotty, always slow to follow up when there’s work to be done. I’m hoping it will get dealt with soon.”

“Do you want me to speak with him?” Spock asks,

“No!” Jim says a little too hurriedly. “It’s just I think you’re a little more scary than you know and I’ve got it under control.”

“Am I?”

“Are you what?”

“Scary?”

“I wouldn’t say you’re NOT scary but you’re definitely not NOT scary.”

“That is nonsensical.”

“I guess what I mean is that you’re very intimidating and it’s easy to couch your orders in human terms and by human terms you’re, well, you’re kind of a pissy bitch.”

“A pissy bitch?”

“Yeah. High maintenance? Detail oriented? Angry?”

“While I may be detail oriented, I am rarely angry. I was once told by a professor at the academy that I would never be able to develop relationships with humans if I refused to make concessions for their humanity. I found his premise objectionable but I am slowly coming to the conclusions that he may be correct. I am universally disliked aboard the Enterprise -”

 “That’s not true -Nyota-”

“With the exception of Nyota who I also struggle to relate to. I find that I sometimes worry I am destined to be alone for the duration of my time at Starfleet.” Spock looks down at the sauce he is stirring like he can no longer look Jim in the eyes. It’s shockingly personal and something Jim would never have expected to hear out of Spock’s mouth.

“I don’t think you should be anything but yourself, Spock. There’s no reason you should change for other people,” Jim insists. A week ago he would have thought Spock was getting what he deserved.

“I mean, maybe you’re misunderstood and you could work on communicating that you aren’t angry or trying to be rude. But I also think that everyone could do with a little lesson in cultural sensitivity. You’re just different Spock. That doesn’t make you better or worse than anybody else and you should remember that.”

“While I appreciate the sentiment, I believe you are a prime example of a crew member who dislikes me despite my intent. I wish to know what could I have done to avoid such an outcome.”

It’s a hard question and Jim isn’t sure he has a good answer. “I don’t know if you could have done anything. Do you remember the first time we met on the Enterprise? That first day?”

“I remember you tried to shake my hand.”

“Yeah,” Jim scrubs a hand over his eyes to collect his thoughts so it doesn’t come out as angry as it feels. It’s been a year and the memory has calcified into something dark and angry. “I held out my hand and now I know that was a cultural misstep but instead of telling me, you looked at me with so much disgust that I felt microscopic, dirty. I know I insulted you but you insulted me right back.”

Spock turns off the stove and turns around to face Jim. The water continues to boil behind him. The soft noise a backdrop to Spock’s words. “I was not insulted. Nor did I intend to insult you in turn. You walked onto the bridge and I found myself struck by your appearance. I had not had such a visceral reaction to the physical traits of another individual for at least 7 years and I found myself at a loss. I felt tempted to take your hand and was distressed at the concept. It would have been unthinkable on Vulcan and, were you to find out the cultural norms of my people, I was afraid you would be disgusted by me in turn. It may have been an illogical thought but at the time I believe my logic was compromised.”

Jim runs through Spock’s little speech in his head again. “Wait- are you saying you thought I was so hot that you couldn’t handle it and were mean to me because you couldn’t think of anything else to do?”

“While I find that reductive, it is not incorrect,” Spock says primly before taking the pot of noodles off the stove.

“Why were you mean to me the next day?”

Spock pours out the hot water into the sink and steps away from the cloud of steam. After pouring the noodles into the pot with the sauce. He turns and looks at Jim. “Unfortunately, I was similarly affected for most of the duration of our first mission.”

"So you thought I was hot, that made you uncomfortable and so you were rude as shit?”

 Spock nearly winces but that Vulcan control of his seems to win out in the end. “Correct.”

 “Well that sucks.”

 “I regret my actions at the time. It was juvenile and my behavior was inexcusable.”

 “Hey, I was mean to you my own share of the time.”

 “That was simply in response to my own bad behavior.”

 “Perhaps. But it was still unnecessary. I think we both acted like children. Picking fights because we liked each other.”

 Spock pushes a bowl filled with fettuccine across the island and sits on his own stool. “Did you?”

 “What?”

 “Like me?”

 Jim feels his face grow hot but in for a penny, in for a pound. He agreed to be honest. “I thought you were attractive and smart and mean and it made me want you to like me more than anything. I don’t know if I liked you but I’ve been obsessed with you for a year now and I don’t see that stopping any time soon.”

 Spock reaches out and brushes his fingers down Jim’s hand. “I hope to do everything in my power to ensure that it does not.”

 Jim’s studied Vulcans. Extensively. He knows how big of a deal it is that Spock is touching his hand. He let’s Spock’s hand linger for a moment before pulling away to pick up his fork.

 “It smells delicious,” Jim says before digging in.

 He can feel Spock’s eyes on him but this time it doesn’t bother him.

 **

Jim wanders the perimeter of the living room after dinner. He feels like he’s seeing a side of Spock he never imagined. Jim spots a bookcase against the wall. He takes a look at the titles and is surprised to see Alice in Wonderland among them. Jim pulls it out and cocks his eyebrows at Spock who frowns and says, “It was a present from my mother.”

 “Right,” Jim says before sliding it back into place. He spots a well made chess set nestled between two sets of books in what Jim can only presume is Vulcan. “Do you play chess or is this just for decoration?”

 “I play.”

 “Up for a game?”

 Spock stands and helps him remove the board from its hiding place. Spock sets it up on the kitchen table and Jim follows, watching the way his hands move across the board deftly.

 “As a fair warning, I have played chess since I was ten years old under the tutelage of my mother and am skilled in multiple styles of play.”

 Jim rolls his eyes but there’s no real spite in it. “Shut up and play.”

 Jim beats Spock on the first round. The Vulcan sits staring at the board in what Jim can only describe as awe. “It has been quite some time since anyone has defeated me. An admirable strategy.”

 Huh. Spock’s not a sore loser. Surprising. Jim begins to pack up the pieces so they can return the board to the shelf. Spock stops him with gentle pressure on his hand. “Perhaps we can begin another game.”

 When Jim looks up at him something must snap in Spock’s brain because suddenly he says, “Not that I require you to stay longer. I recognize it is quite late and you do have an early day tomorrow. As we both do. We would not need to complete the game per se but I would enjoy another...what?”

 Jim is grinning at Spock like a maniac. “You’ve just never rambled in front of me.”

 And Spock _definitely_ blushes. It’s a delightful shade of green on his cheekbones. Jim like the way it makes his hair seem blacker. “It is not very Vulcan of me.”

 “I think I like Vulcan Spock with some human characteristics. Makes you more approachable.”

 Spock stiffens a little and protests. “I will not compromise my Vulcan heritage in order to make others feel more comfortable - it is-.”

 Jim interrupts and reaches out to place his hand on Spock’s once more. He is thankful when he doesn’t flinch at the contact the way Jim expected him to. “I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I like seeing all the different parts of you. It makes me feel like - I don’t know - like you really do trust me. That I’m -” Jim nearly chokes on the phrase “-somehow special to you.”

 Spock turns his hand around and grips Jim’s in return. “If you knew how special you were to me, I believe you would find cause to leave this room immediately and never speak to me again.”

 Jim’s heart does that terrifying stutter skip as their eyes lock. “I really want to kiss you again,” he says.

 Spock leans over the chess board between them and slants their mouths together. It’s just as electric as the last time even if Jim has to lean up over the counter with the edge digging into his belly. Jim hums against Spock’s mouth and tries to deepen the kiss but Spock pulls away. “I do not wish for us to get carried away.”

 “C’mon Spock. We’re two consenting adults,” Jim says on a whine.

 Spock huffs and Jim is dead certain it’s the beginning of a laugh and he resists the urge to dive over the chess board and chase it from the corners of Spock’s mouth just so he might be able to hear it again. “I want any physical expressions of affection between us to mean as much to you as they will inevitably mean to me. I know you have somewhat promiscuous preferences and I do not wish to become another in a string of lovers. I desire a real connection with you, Jim.”

 To cover the burning of his cheeks, Jim lightly taps Spock’s arm with his fist in a playful punch. “Besides you basically calling me a slut, that was almost downright romantic.”

 “I cast no value judgment on the promiscuity of the human race. It is simply not the Vulcan way. We are a monogamous people and if you are to be with me, I want you to be with only me.”

 Jim’s ears are hot so he knows his face is even redder. He looks down at the chessboard and then back at Spock, willing himself to ask the question he desperately needs to. “Not that I’m complaining, but why are you telling me this now? It’s just hard for me to believe that you have this deep well of feelings for me when, up until last Wednesday, I thought you were an emotionless robot who hated me.”

 Spock takes a breath and seems to consider his words before speaking. Jim takes the opportunity to focus on slowing down his heart. “I believe we agreed to let tonight be a space of mutual honesty. And while my depth of feeling towards you has increased since those early days aboard the Enterprise, I never said as such because I did not believe you wished to hear it. In fact, I thought such sentiments would disgust you. I did my best to hide them from you, even resorting to the rude behavior that caused this discord.”

 Jim laughs somewhat ruefully. “I think if you’d said anything like what you’ve said tonight I probably would have thought it was some sort of manipulation tactic to make me look like a fool.”

 It’s Spock’s turn to look away. “I truly regret any pain I may have caused. But it has passed and therefore one cannot change it. That being said, I wish to make amends in any way you deem fit. Though I believe your proposal of honesty has been a productive one.”

 “I think I have a lot to apologize for as well. You thought I was actively rejecting you at every turn and it was just a misunderstanding. I can’t say I’m where you are - you know- feelings-wise but I can say with absolute certainty that I want to jump your bones.”

 “Jump my bones? Is that a euphemism for sexual intercourse?”

 Spock saying sexual intercourse should not be a turn on but it definitely is. Jim covers up his half boner by standing abruptly and announcing his desire for water. He grabs a glass from the kitchen and returns to the counter. “Let’s start another game. I’ve got to leave in half an hour but that doesn’t mean I can’t start kicking your ass.”

 Jim ends up staying for 45 more minutes. Every 10 minutes or so Spock brushes the back of Jim’s knuckles with his fingers like he’s to reassure himself that Jim is there. Jim loves every second.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys we are nearly halfway done. This chapter is definitely angsty and a bit shorter than the others. I felt that once I tossed the Tarsus thing out there, I had to address it more fully so it became more of a major plot point than I expected.
> 
> TW: all applicable Tarsus events, PTSD
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting! I'm continuously astounded at how well this fic has been received so far.

Jim wakes up and realizes he’s looking forward to going to work. The last time he looked forward to going to work is when Spock took a week of leave to return to Vulcan for a family function. He had been blissfully alone. Today, he won’t be and that’s exactly what he’s looking forward to.

 He parks his bike and finds himself whistling as he heads into the building. When was the last time someone had told him things like Spock had told him yesterday?   _I want this to mean as much to you as it does to me_. He thinks about Carol, his last major relationship. Why had they been together?

 They met aboard the Enterprise and found easy camaraderie on away missions. Spock usually stayed back and Jim was assigned mission duty. He was more of a do-er and Spock was more of a thinker, or so Pike said. Jim liked how she got so excited when faced with a unique species of flower or fruit. It all sort of snowballed from there. Lunches, dinners, late nights in the rec room leading to late nights in Jim’s room. He informed Pike of the relationship and most of the command crew knew but said he told them he wanted to keep it to himself. Less gossip that way.

 It was good. They rarely fought and things were easy when they were together. But if Jim admits it to himself, their breakup was also easy. He doesn’t regret it. He loved her but Jim isn’t sure he wants easy. After yesterday, he’s pretty damn sure that difficult is what gets his engine going. He’s always liked a challenge and that’s exactly what Spock is. After leaving Spock’s apartment yesterday, Jim felt the way he does after exercising: invigorated to the tips of his fingers, blood flowing to all his extremities. He felt like yelling and running and punching the air.

 The rush of blood had calmed in the morning light and he is left with soft warm feelings about what had happened.

 The elevator door opens and the sight of Spock behind his desk makes Jim smile. “Good morning, Spock.”

 “While morning has no value, it is simply a time, I return the sentiment.”

 Jim laughs. “Thanks for indulging me, Spock.”

 Spock’s lips do that tightening thing and he opens his mouth to say something but Jim is robbed of whatever sassy remark he ha ready on the tip of his tongue by Pike throwing open door and barking for Jim to come in.

 There’s apparently a problem with the transport of some new science equipment onto the Enterprise which might delay the launch.

 “Can you go down to the equipment office and see what the hell is going on? We ordered that stuff weeks ago. There’s no excuse for this.”

 Jim tries not to feel a little sad that he doesn’t get to stay in the office and flirt with Spock but he’s thankful to have something focused to do instead of sit around and worry about his interview.

 It happens like most devastating things, quietly and with little fanfare. He finishes up at the equipment office and as he’s leaving he gets a text from Bones.

  _Are you ok?_

  _Why wouldn’t I be?_

  _Check the news. Where are you? I can come find you in ten minutes._

 Jim stomach drops and he rushes to the library to check a terminal. The headlines rush up like waves to drown him.

  **KODOS, RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TARSUS GENOCIDE, APPREHENDED**

 He skims the article through a blur of angry tears. They found Kodos masquerading in a travelling acting troupe. His daughter attacked the Starfleet officers who tried to apprehend him and is in custody as well. Apparently, someone in the audience recognized him and called in a tip.

 Jim clenches his fist and his mouth fills with the copper taste of blood. He’s bitten his cheek.

 He manages to text Bones.

  _I’m going home. I’ll be fine._

 Bones replies immediately. _I’ll tell Pike you had a medical emergency._

 Jim doesn’t reply and walks home in a daze.

 Once the door to his apartment is shut, he collapses on his couch, pulls a throw blanket over his body and cries. He’s filled with grief and anger and relief. He tells himself it’s PTSD, but that doesn’t stop the flashbacks. Jim falls into memories as hard as he falls into everything. It’s swift and powerful and he can’t stop it.

 The worst part of the flashbacks is the smell of rot that fills his nostrils. He knows he’s not on Tarsus but the smell makes it the hardest to convince himself that’s true. Next is usually the sound of Kodos laughing, the feeling of hands grasping at him and the taste of dirt and gunpowder.

 Jim doesn’t know how long he sits there. He knows he stops crying. He usually does. The room grows dark around him but he doesn’t get up to switch on a light. It’s too much effort. He thinks he’ll probably sleep on the couch and feel better in the morning.

 His comm had gone off several times but Jim had left it on the table across the room and his legs feel like lead. Besides, it’s probably just Bones trying to check up on him. Maybe Pike telling him to feel better if he’s sick.

 Jim’s internal clock tells him it’s at least 8 o’clock when a knock sounds at the door. Jim doesn’t get up. He doesn’t open his mouth. He can’t.

 Unfortunately, it turns out, in his grief-fueled delirium, he left the door unlocked. It creaks open and Jim sees a flash of black bowl cuts duck inside before he hears,”Jim, are you well?”

 Jim doesn’t answer.  He hears the click of the door.

 “May I turn on a light?”

 Jim manages that question. “Whatever.”

 Spock turns on one of the lamps in the corner of the room and Jim silently blesses him for not turning on the overly bright overhead light. Spock crosses the room and kneels in front of Jim.

 “I inquired after you upon your absence this afternoon and Pike informed me you had a medical emergency. I reached out to Dr.McCoy who refused to give me the details. As he is usually much more effusive in reference to your chronic injuries, I presumed something was truly worth concern. You did not reply to my messages.”

 Jim looks up at Spock and the pure worry in his brown eyes makes Jim want to cover his head with a blanket until he feels less ridiculous. He pulls himself together and says, “I got some bad news. I’m dealing with it.”

 Spock quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. He stands and moves to the end of the couch. With a short gesture indicating the cushion he asks, “May I?”

Jim doesn’t move his legs so Spock lifts them and places them on his lap as he sits down. “Is your family well?”

 The physical contact is overwhelming and forces Jim to sit up. He winds the blanket tighter around his shoulders. “They’re fine.”

 “The only other logical explanation for your emotional distress is the recurrence or the memory of trauma. You have never been prone to such responses to my knowledge.”

 “What do you know about emotional distress?” Jim snaps. “You wouldn’t know an emotion if it bit you in the ass.”

 Spock sits calmly at the end of the couch and Jim wants to throw something at him, make him snap. “Your behavior at this moment is reminiscent of our interaction last Thursday. Is the news you mentioned related to that outburst?”

 “It’s not an outburst. I’m not a fucking child throwing a tantrum,” Jim says, realizing as he says it that that is exactly how he is behaving.

 “It is my understanding that humans process emotional trauma in various ways and misplaced anger is a common response. Therefore, I believe it is not myself that has caused your anger, but rather something from your past that you do not wish to disclose.”

 “It’s something I just want to forget.”

 “There’s a saying among my people: kaiidth. It means what is, is. And while this is always true. I find it is sometimes difficult to accept, as I believe you would. In this case, I grieve with you for the things that have happened that caused you pain, but they are things that have shaped you into a remarkable man who will be an outstanding captain and who I am thankful to have in my life.”

 Jim laughs but there’s no humor in it. “It doesn’t feel remarkable.”

 “When one is overwhelmed it is difficult to view the situation objectively. Do you not trust my assessment?” Spock says and it sounds so clinical and Jim is ready to snap at him again but when he looks up, vitriol on the tip of his tongue, he sees the look on Spock’s face and realizes the Vulcan is teasing him. Only Spock could look at the world in black and white and gray at the same time. It’s complex and yet he’s said it so succinctly.

 Jim gets up which feels like a herculean task and fills a cup of water.

 Spock speaks from the couch, “I do not expect you to explain this to me today or in the future. But if you find yourself in need of someone to listen, I will be here and I will be willing.”

 “Thanks, Spock. I don’t want to talk about it.”

 “And I would not expect you to.” Spock stands and pulls down his shirt primly. “Now that I have ascertained that you are not in any immediate danger, I will take my leave of you.”

 Jim reaches out and grabs his wrist. The movement is so abrupt that the water sloshes from his glass onto the carpet. “No. Stay?”

 It’s just a moment but it feels infinite in the way that Jim knows it’s a moment he will return to again and again in his memory. A tipping point.

 “That is acceptable,” Spock says and sits back down.

 Just then, the door bursts open and a red-faced Bones stomps through it. “What the FUCK Jim? I’ve messaged you eight times and you can’t deign to reply? I thought you were drinking yourself into oblivion or dead in a DITCH.”

 Jim sits on the couch. “Hi Bones. Spock is here.”

 Bones face doesn’t lose any of its color as he looks between Jim and Spock and back again. “For shit’s sake.”

 “There’s some whiskey in the cupboard if you’d like a glass. We’re going to watch a movie,” Jim offers.

 Bones stomps over to the cupboard but it’s less forceful than Jim expected. He hears the clatter of a glass and ice before Bones returns and thrusts a cup into Jim’s hands and cup into Spock’s who nearly refuses but Bones fixes him with a look and says, “We’re celebrating. Take it.”

 Spock takes it gingerly and asks, “What is the occasion?”

 “Being alive,” Bones says and the words hang between them for a moment before Jim lifts his glass and says, “Cheers to that.”

 He takes a big sip and says, “Someone else choose a movie. Nothing gory.”

 Bones turns on the holoscreen and puts on some movie from their childhood. Something about how everyone gets turned into animals and has to figure out how to turn back. It’s mindless and childish but Jim’s fine with it. It makes him feel young.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter but it's leading up to the juicy stuff.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I continue to be so thankful that folks are following this story

It’s Friday before Jim knows it. Wednesday and Thursday passing in that post panic attack blur he knows too well. He feels confident about his interview materials and is ready for anything the review board can throw at him. Bones had looked over his statement and had said, very seriously, you really want this thing, don’t you. This is amazing. I feel pretty damn inspired and I don’t even want to be a captain.

It heartened Jim to know his friend supported him. He did a quick review with Pike the previous day and feels everything is as ready as it will be. His traitorous heart wants him to review the materials with Spock. He just knows that Spock’s feedback would be amazing and that the logical perspective would balance out what he knows to be his rather passionate tone. Be that as it may, Jim knows he can’t ask Spock for that.

Jim’s interview is at 1 PM and he spends that morning in the extreme state of calm that h he only feels when he’s staring down the barrel of a gun. Everything is crisp and clear. Decisions come easy and his productivity increases. Spock doesn’t bring up the interviews this afternoon and Jim appreciates his tact. 

Jim’s interview is first. He walks over to the building where they will be held and arrives with 5 minutes to spare. He wore his dress uniform to work that day. It’s a little uncomfortable in it’s high necked regality but it was the right decision. 

He sat in the uncomfortable chair outside of the room and waited until someone opened the door and called his name. Show time.

**  
He sends out a group message to the bridge crew asking everyone to meet him for drinks at the Gearshop, a bar off campus enough that cadets don’t go there but not so far that it’s an unconscionable trek. Scotty replies in an exuberant affirmative. Uhura sends him a dancing lady emoji and the rest are silent. Jim wonders if Spock will come. If Spock comes, will it ruin it for everyone else? Fuck everyone else, Jim wants them to see the side of Spock he’s seen in the last two weeks. 

Jim takes the rest of the afternoon off at Pike’s behest who grips his hand as he says he’s sure that Jim will get it. Jim’s not so sure but he’s going to get drunk tonight and then he won’t care. 

When he gets to the bar at 7, the time he had initally proposed, Bones is already there, a beer on the counter and a beer in one hand. He looks good in his red plaid button down and light jeans. “Double fisting already,” Jim says with a laugh, taking his hands out of his pockets. Bones sets his beer down on the bar and engulfs Jim in a hug. 

“One’s for you, you idiot. How’d it go?”

Jim takes the proffered beverage and takes a big gulp. “Fine. They asked questions I expected them to. They seemed to like my statement. One of them said my service record was quote ‘impressive.’”

“That sounds great!” Bones says, taking a swig of his drink in turn. 

“Well, don’t say that yet. Those board members are impossible to read. And the same one that called me impressive also asked what entitled me to be a captain when I’m so young.”

“What did you say?”

“I expected them to ask me that. I said I’d studied hard and deserved to be where I am and my academic record combined with my service experience should speak for themselves.”

“And?”

“They didn’t really respond.”

Bones frowns into his beer. “They’d be idiots if they didn’t choose you. Can you imagine? The hobgoblin as captain?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it would be so bad,” Jim says. 

“Wait, did I hear that right? I know you guys have been getting buddy-buddy but you think he’d be a good captain?”

“I don’t know, Bones. Now that I know him, I think he’s smart and kind-hearted and yeah, tactless, but right most of the time, as frustrating as that might be.”

“You sound smitten, kid.”

Before Jim can respond, he’s interrupted by a clap on the shoulder and a loud scottish brogue calling for three shots of whiskey from the barkeep. 

Jim takes one and slams the glass down on the bar when he’s finished. 

“How’d it go, Jim?” Scotty asks, his mouth pulled back in that post-shot of alcohol grin.

“As well as can be expected,” Jim replies.

“You don’t think Spock’ll be our captain do you?”

“Did you talk to that ensign yet?” Jim asks, changing the subject. 

“Och aye. I meant to tell you. It went pretty well. She was mostly embarrassed that I brought it up but she said she knew that it was just a stupid crush and that she really admires me and is looking forward to working with me professionally. We should be doing better in no time.”

“Good to hear.”

The three of them joke back and forth for a moment. Jim always likes when Scotty and Bones are in the same room, they have the same sense of humor even if one is jovial where the other is cynical. Things just feel more even when they are together.

Nyota is the next to arrive, dressed impeccably in a yellow sundress. She eschewed her usually tight ponytail for a loose bun at the nape of her neck. She slides up next to Scotty and loops her arm through his. “What are we drinking, boys?”

“Two beers and a whiskey,” Jim answers over Scotty’s head.

Nyota gets a beer and the four of them commandeer a table. When Sulu and Chekov arrive, they push another table against theirs so they can all sit together. Jim only has to tell his interview story one more time and everyone laughs as Jim’s gotten a little tipsy and he usually embellishes a little when he’s drunk. And uses emphatic gestures a LOT. 

Once that gets out of the way, the group falls into the usual banter. Gossip about various crew members, excitement about the new assignment. Sulu asks after Joanna, Bones’s little girl, and they compare pictures of Demora and Jo, doing that things parents do when they can’t believe how much they’ve grown. Jim watches it all with smile. Answering occasional questions and offering his opinion here and there. He can’t help but feel Spock’s absence. 

Instead of doing anything about it. He takes another shot. 

It’s 5 drinks deep when Bones finally urges him to stop moping and call the damn Vulcan. So Jim does.

It answers on the fifth ring and Jim knows something is wrong before Spock even finishes his greeting. Jim doesn’t know why he can tell. Drunkard’s intuition or something.

“This is Spock.”

“What happened?”

“Many things have happened. Please be more specific.”

Jim steps away from the table into the alcove next to the bathrooms. “Don’t bullshit me Spock. Your voice sounds weird so you’re either sick or upset. Spill.”

It is silent for so long that Jim checks his comm to make sure they didn’t disconnect. Spock eventually takes a long breath and says, “It is my father. He is...not well.”

“Is there anything you need?” Jim asks. He has no frame of reference for Spock’s relationship to his parents but he knows how he would feel in this situation.

“I will depart for Vulcan in the morning. My mother believe I may be a genetically viable donor to resolve his illness and I must be tested by the healers there.”

“I’m coming with you.” Jim says, not even thinking about it.

“Jim, you are drunk and not in the correct state of mind to make such a decision -”

“Shut up, Spock. Do you really want to be alone on the trip? I wouldn’t.”

Another lengthy pause.

“While you are technically correct, I do not wish to be an imposition--”

“You’re not imposing, I’m offering.”

“I will be taking transport 3577 from the spaceport at 9 AM. If you still wish to accompany me, you may meet me there.”

“I’ll see you there,” Jim says firmly.

Just before Jim hangs up Spock says his name. “Jim - thank you.”

Jim returns to the table and orders a water. He’s got to sober up. He has an early day tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I almost put a pride and prejudice quote at the top of this chapter because i confused which fic I was posting and thought it was Follies of Others smh.
> 
> Another short chapter. Sorry about that. This would have been a monster chapter if I hadn't broken it up like this. That all being said, I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

Jim arrives at spaceport right on time, his hair still damp and an overstuffed bag clutched in his hand. He might have a little bit of a headache and his stomach might be churning with nerves but he came anyway. He feels a little embarrassed about how forceful he was with Spock the day before. Five drinks will do that to a man.

 He spent his entire shower trying to convince himself that his offer wasn’t weird and that he would be useful to Spock. Emotional support. He tried to ignore the little voice in his head that questioned whether Vulcans even need emotion support. This Vulcan does. He’s spent the last week and a half proving that tenfold.

 It’s not weird, Jim says to himself again. They’ve been working together for over a year. Granted most of that time they hated each other. Or rather, Jim hated Spock and was disgustingly misinformed regarding his intentions. And now they’re dating. Yeah it’s only been a week but Jim feels...well, Jim feels a lot more than he’s willing to admit to.

 As he approaches the shuttle, he spies a familiar cap of black hair. Every strand in place and Jim feels like a schlub as he approaches.

 “Spock!” He shouts to get his attention. His friend - boyfriend? - turns around and does that not smile-smile and Jim grins back.

 “I am gratified that you are here,” Spock says with a slight inclination of his head.

 Jim reaches out and grasps his arm in as much affection as he feels allowed to show to a rather uptight Vulcan in public. “I’m sorry to hear about your dad.”

 Spock’s small smile fades and he replies, “Given we arrive promptly and I am able to provide the genetic material, my father’s doctor believe has a 85 percent chance of a successful recovery.”

 “Those are pretty good odds, Spock.”

 “While that might be true, I cannot stop myself from worrying. As illogical as it may be.”

 “We are all illogical when it comes to our parents.”

 The ship captain calls for boarding and they fall into silence as they shuffle aboard. According to the travel schedule, they should reach Vulcan in about a day on the cruiser.

 As they settle into their compartment, Jim turns to Spock and asks, “So, tell me about your dad.”

 Spock adjust uncomfortably in the seat and hesitates slightly. “We do not have the most...amicable relationship.”

 “Really?” Jim asks, feeling a tightness in his stomach. He and his parent’s relationship has been strained ever since Tarsus. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone else.

 “He was disappointed in my decision to pursue a career in Starfleet rather than attend the Vulcan science academy. I believed that Earth would be more welcoming of my mixed heritage than Vulcan ever had. My father found such desires illogical and made that clear to me before my departure. We have not spoken in 6 years.”

 “And yet here you are, ready to donate part of yourself to a man who has essentially disowned you?” Jim asks, a little confused. He’s not sure he would do the same in Spock’s position.

 “I cannot deny I had my misgivings. However, your parents are your parents and they are the only ones you have.”

 “Hmm,” Jim says, trying to ignore the flash of guilt he feels at the sentiment. “Do you have any good memories of your dad?”

 Spock falls silent for a moment before telling him a story about a time in his youth when several other Vulcan boys mocked him for having a human mother and Spock attempted to fight them for the insult. His father had pulled him from school and instead of chiding him, supported him. He tells him a story of his father buying him a pet Sehlat: I’Chaya.

 “It’s sounds like you had a pretty decent childhood,” Jim says.

 “It was not without its merits.”

 They fall silent for a bit and Jim pulls out one of the snacks he packed. As he munches on the granola bar, he eyes Spock and is reminded of how handsome he is even in the harsh false light of the cruiser. Something about it makes his green tinged skin look bright and his hair shifts between it’s deep black and almost purple. Jim feels an urge to card his hands through it and map the angles of Spock’s face with his fingers. He finishes his granola bar instead.

 “Hey, I loaded up virtual chess on my padd. Fancy a game?”

 Spock nods in agreement and they are quickly at odds across the chess board. As they play the conversation begins to flow naturally between them. Spock brings up the morals of the prime directive and Jim argues (sometimes playing devil’s advocate) against him. He loves the way his mind lights up when Spock argues with him. He has to think hard and fast and make quick connections, something he only has to do when on duty.

 Finally the dreaded question arrives.

 “How did your interview go?” Spock asks as he moves to corner Jim’s queen.

 Jim counters the move impulsively and immediately regrets his decision. He’s going to lose a bishop AND his queen. “It went fine.”

 “I cannot believe it was any less than exemplary. Your interpersonal skills are truly your greatest strength. It would be difficult for you to do anything in an interview position that would minimize that skill.”

 Ignoring the fact that it’s his turn, Jim looks at Spock, really looks at him and tries to bore into his mind to get at his motivations. “You really mean that don’t you?”

 “Vulcans cannot lie,” Spock reminds him.

 Jim scoffs. “Right, they can just be dicks to you for a year because they’re bottling up an emotion they’d rather not discuss.”

 Spock simply looks at him from across the compartment.

 Jim rubs a hand over his forehead and sighs. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. All this interview stuff makes me tense. I just really thought I was going to get the promotion and here we are competing against each other for something I was certain I would get. It’s hard. It’s humbling.”

 “That is understandable. However, I wish you would believe me when I say that my comments on your virtues have no ulterior motives. I believe whoever is chosen for the position will have deserved it. I simply hope that regardless of the board’s decision that we will be able to continue working together.”

 “I’d have to think about it. It’s not where I’d thought I’d be once Pike retired and I need to get used to the idea before making any promises. Look, can we not talk about it anymore?”

 They finish their game and somehow end up making out on the bench on Spock’s side of the compartment. It’s good, it’s great. Their bodies are pressed together tightly with Spock beneath him and Jim indulges himself in Spock’s hair. He feels like a teenager making out on the couch in his mom’s house. Just as he reaches to remove Spock’s shirt, Spock stops him with firm hands.

 “I believe we are getting carried away.”

 Jim whines but sits up. He just wants to touch the damn guy. It’s not like they are going to bone in the train compartment. Regardless of his frustration, he moves back to his side of the compartment.

 “Yeah you’re right, “ he says trying not to sound to put out.

 Jim pulls out a book and tries to distract himself by reading. It works miserably.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It turns out I had extra time today because I had the day off so have another chapter!
> 
> TW: brief mention of off-screen suicide, strained parent/child relationship, discussions of terminal illness

They arrive at Vulcan a day later. A day filled with Jim’s inappropriate boners and some casual cuddling. After getting too hot and heavy at the beginning of the trip, Jim tried to keep his hands to himself. It wasn’t that easy.

 When he lands he gets a comm from Bones asking where the fuck he is. Damn, he only notified Pike of his absence. His superior officer thankfully didn’t comment when Kirk told him he was going to Vulcan with Spock, his other first officer that Jim supposedly hated. Whoops.

 Jim sends off a quick reply that he’s going on a trip with Spock to which Bones replies with a suggestive emoji. Jim ignores him.

 The first thing Jim notices about Vulcan is that it is unbearably hot. The second is that it is very red. He injects himself with a hypo of the compounds that allow for easier breathing and heat regulation that are assigned to all humans that travel to Vulcan. He had double checked them against his allergy list on the ride over and thanked his lucky stars they they didn’t conflict.

 Spock hovers by his side as they exit the landing bay. Something about him strikes Jim as terribly nervous. He suddenly realizes why when they are greeted by an undeniably human woman of a certain age who smiles warmly at them. She holds up the ta’al and despite the lack of a physical display of welcome Jim can see that she is practically radiating affection.

 “Welcome home, Spock.” She says, lowering her hand.

 “Thank you, Mother,” Spock says his eyes closing for a split second longer than normal.

 “Who is this young man?” she asks, approaching Jim with an outstretched hand. Jim shakes it briskly ignoring a few shocked stares from the Vulcans that bustle around them.

 “Mother, this is Jim. Jim this is my mother, Amanda.”

 “It is very nice to meet you,” Jim says releasing her hand.

 “The pleasure is all mine. Especially after everything I’ve heard about you. You really do have the most remarkable eyes-”

 “I presume you are here to escort us to the house?” Spock asks suddenly. Jim and Amanda exchange a look and Jim can see the laughter behind her eyes. Jim’s going to like this lady.

 “Yes, I am. Come with me.”

 They climb into a hovercar together and Amanda and Spock exchange small updates. Jim’s mouth falls open when they reach the house.

 “Holy sh-cow, Spock. Your house is huge.”

 Amanda laughs, a tinkling sound. “Has Spock never told you? The House of Sarek is an esteemed family on Vulcan.”

 “Is that the Vulcan way of saying filthy rich?”

 Amanda covers her mouth with her hand to hide a smile which is all the answer Jim needs.

 And he wasn’t exaggerating. The house is practically palatial. The front door opens into a large courtyard with breezeways leading into different parts of the house. The red stone of the house is carved from is cool to Jim’s touch as he passes column after column. The shade of the arches are a relief for his sweating skin. As Spock had mentioned there is something gaudy about the decoration. A large red and black statue dominates the courtyard and once he enters the living quarters he is confronted with furniture in gold and red and black. He understands what Spock had meant when he said his decor was boring by comparison.

 Amanda shows him through the living room to a guest bedroom, he passes several closed doors which Amanda explains are the library, Sarek’s office, and a bathroom respectively. When she opens the door, Jim is met with a blast of cool air.

 “Oh my god, is that air conditioning?”

 “We have a few guest rooms with the amenity for when foreigners stay here. We understand that not all species are as adapted to desert life as Vulcans,” despite the rather formal explanation, Amanda winks at him and continues, “Additionally, this room connects to Spock’s bedroom.”

 Jim blushes furiously. His cheeks, already red from the heat, turning impossibly redder.

 Spock glares at his mother before proceeding to the bedroom in question and shutting the door more loudly than is necessary. Amanda laughs again. “What a temper on my young man. Though I am sure you don’t need to be told.”

 Jim stares at her, unsure of how to respond.

 **

The two of them rest for several hours recuperating from the long day and a half of travel. Eventually, Amanda comes to collect Spock to take him to the hospital for his tests. She seems much more withdrawn than she had at the spaceport. Jim offers to go with Spock but he declines saying that he will be back soon enough.

 Jim keeps to the coolness of his room as the hours pass by. He once goes to the bathroom and runs into a servant who offers to bring him dinner. Jim gladly accepts the offer.

 It’s a cold meal of mostly plants and what Jim can only assume are Vulcan pickles which he devours quickly. It begins to grow dark outside of Jim’s room and he ventures out into the courtyard. Without the sun beating down on him, he feels light and cool. He wanders around the small garden in the courtyard and walks his way through the house. He can’t even imagine growing up in a place like this. It’s so austere and cold.

 He wanders into the garden, the smell of some sort of night-blooming flowers soothing him once he finds himself on a bench. The cool desert air turns chilly as night falls in earnest. He doesn’t know how long he sits there but soon enough he hears a scuffling in the entrance way that turns out to be Spock opening the door. Amanda is not with him and he looks exhausted. He shuffles down the breezeway, Jim unseen. Jim isn’t sure if he should clear his throat or somehow make himself known. Spock looks like he needs a minute. Once Spock disappears down the hallway, presumably to his bedroom, Jim follows behind and goes to his room.

 A few minutes pass but Jim can’t tear his thoughts from the expression on Spock’s face. He grabs a light sweater and moves into the hallway. He taps lightly on Spock’s door and after a few moments Spock himself answers the door not looking any less exhausted than he had a few moments ago. He steps back to allow Jim into his room.

 “How did it go?” Jim asks softly.

 Spock drops onto his bed. “Not well.”

Jim sits next to him so that their arms touch, trying to show some sign of solidarity but unsure if Spock would welcome any further contact. The way Spock leans into him is a good sign.

 “My father did not know I would return to Vulcan. My mother had not informed him that I would be making a donation to save his life and he refused my assistance.”

 “Wait what?” Jim asks, pulling back to stare at Spock. “Are you kidding? Of course you’re not kidding. Your dad is refusing your help when it’s his only chance to _not die_?”

 “That is the case at the current moment. My mother has stayed at the hospital to reason with him but I believe the likelihood of changing my father’s mind is extremely low.”

 “What no percentage?”

 Spock looks at him with a slight frown and Jim puts his hands up. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

 They fall silent for a moment. The light is low in Spock’s room and Jim looks over at the man who is quickly becoming one of his closest friends. He doesn’t know how it happened so fast he’s just glad it did. “Why do you think your dad refused?”

 “Sarek is apparently much more skilled at holding a grudge than I had anticipated.”

 “This is about you joining Starfleet?”

 “Presumably.” Spock sounds so profoundly tired that Jim has the ridiculous urge to put him to bed.

 “Is there anything I can get you? I think you need to relax and then get some sleep. Everything is much clearer in the morning.”

 Spock stands and moves to his dresser to pull out a sleep shirt and pants. He pauses in front of the dresser and without turning to look at him he says, “I am thankful you offered to come here with me.”

 JIm stands and crosses to him, running his hands over Spock’s back and succumbing to the urge to embrace him from behind. “I’m glad that I did.”

 Spock turns in his arms and his eyes are so black they almost match his hair. The moment is so charged that Jim blurts out, “Do you want me to stay with you? No funny business I swear. I just always feel better when I’m not alone. Not to say that you feel the same way but I thought I would offer.”

 Spock silences him with a brief chaste kiss. Jim wants to chase his mouth but resists. He did say no funny business.

 “You ramble when you are nervous” Spock comments. Jim flushes. “I have always found it nonsensical.”

 Jim’s hackles rise at that but he tamps them down. Spock doesn’t mean it that way he remind himself.

 “I have always found it illogically endearing.”

 Jim doesn’t know what to say to that. “Oh, Ok-I guess I’ll...just go change.”

 Jim practically dashes from the room and takes a moment to breathe in the hallway before slipping into his room to change.

 **

They sleep next to each other. Jim sleeps fitfully, worried at every turn that he will bump into Spock the wrong way and ruin his sleep.

 It turns out he didn’t need to worry so much. Spock laid down on the bed and seemingly dropped into sleep immediately and never moved throughout the night.

 Because he can’t sleep, he rolls out of bed around 5 am and putters into the kitchen to chase down something resembling coffee only to find Amanda sitting at the counter reading something on her PADD, a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. When he enters, she puts down her padd and looks at him over her glasses.

 “Good morning,” Jim says. “Is that coffee?”

 “It is,” she replies. “It was one of those vices I could never give up. I brewed a fresh pot if you’d like some.”

 She points to a tree of mugs next to a foreign looking coffee pot. “Why don’t you just replicate it?” Jim asks, already pouring himself a cup.

 “It doesn’t taste quite right to me. You’ll see.”

 Jim takes a sip and the flavors exploding across his tongue ar brighter than any replicated coffee he has ever had. He looks at Amanda with wide eyes. “Wow.”

 She laughs. “I don’t always brew it. The beans are expensive but it is a little concession on particularly hard days.”

 Jim sits across from her at the counter. “Is today a hard day?

 “Not yet, but yesterday was and I don’t expect today to be different.”

 “How is Sarek?”

 “He won’t listen to reason,” Amanda says frustration leaking into her voice for the first time since Jim has been in her house. She has kept up the guise of friendly host so well, Jim almost forgot that she is also a worried spouse.

 “If he doesn’t take Spock’s donation, what’s the prognosis?”

 Amanda puts her face in her hands and takes a deep breath. Jim worries for a moment that he has pressed to hard but she looks up and her eyes are slightly shiny but no tears have spilled. “Not good. The doctor’s say six months. How can someone refuse to save their own life?”

 Jim ignores the flashes of memories from Tarsus. Talia who gave up within the first two weeks and hung herself. Parents who let themselves be taken to save their children. The smell of rotting grain-

 No, he says firmly to himself.

 “Perhaps Sarek thinks the risk to Spock is not worth it?”

 “Spock is willing to take that risk! It’s the damn man’s pride is what it is. I knew what he was like when I married him but I never thought it would come to this.”

 Spock walks into the kitchen and Amanda falls silent. He nods at both of them in turn. “Mother. Jim.”

 “Did you sleep ok, sweetheart?” Amanda asks, standing to place her cup in the washer.

 “I slept as well as I am able considering the current situation. Has father reconsidered?”

 Amanda shakes her head. “Perhaps T’Pau will speak with him. She has always been a good influence on him. Regardless, I have to get ready for work but I will return to the hospital this afternoon.”

 Amanda exits the kitchen leaving the two of them alone. Spock brews tea in the replicator and Jim recognizes the pungent scent.

 “How are you today?” Jim asks, fiddling with the handle of his mug.

 “I am adequate.”

 “Is there anything we can do to help take your mind off stuff? You could show me some of your favorite places? We could watch movies? Get super drunk? I don’t know. How do normal people distract themselves? Or normal vulcans?”

 Spock moves to take his mother’s seat across from Jim. “Perhaps there are a few sites that we could visit today. I believe you would enjoy the Vulcan History Museum and the noon market on the square in the city.”

 Jim nods. Those both sounds great. He’ll deal with the heat as best he can. “We should do that then!”

“Regardless, I believe I will be in the hospital most of tomorrow. I have decided to donate regardless of my father’s decision but I also wish to depart as soon as possible since it is clear my presence is not welcome. I can only hope that Sarek will eventually see reason and choose to go through with the procedure.”  
  
Jim lays his hand next to Spock’s so that their pinkies overlap slightly. He doesn’t want to get too fresh but he does want to show some affectionate support. “That sounds like a good idea. I’m here if you’re here. Do you want me to go to the hospital with you?”  
  
“Your presence would be appreciated.”  
  
“Then I’m there.”  
  
Spock ghosts his fingers over Jim’s and Jim has a very illogical thought. _I could get used to this._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Im going out of town this weekend and I'm hoping I'll still have time to edit and post but if not, I'll resume posting on Monday. Only one chapter left and then the epilogue!
> 
> Big shout out to luminousbeings who wrote You Don't Have to (Say Yes) which I borrowed some Tarsus headcanons from for this fic. Their fic is a great Tarsus fic that I cannot recommend enough.
> 
> FYI there are some potential triggers in this chapter. Since they are pretty spoiler-y I'm putting them in the end notes for you to read over if you want including a note on how to skip the potentially triggering section.
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos, support and comments!

They go to the places Spock had mentioned, starting with museum which Jim finds fascinating. What he doesn’t relish is the stares he and Spock get as they walk through the public spaces. Jim is pretty sure it’s him they are staring at. There aren’t that many blonds on Vulcan or even that many humans and curious Vulcans watch him as he moves through the exhibits.  
  
At some point Spock notices the attention and mentions, “I apologize for the stares of my people. As the first child of mixed heritage I am not unknown on Vulcan and many people find such mixing of genes distasteful.”  
  
“Wait, they’re staring at you?”  
  
Spock ponders over a red vase that looks like it is made from the clay that makes up most of the terrain on Vulcan. “Did you believe they were staring at you? An interesting idea. Perhaps our presence together has drawn the attention. A human hybrid and a human together, especially one as striking as you. Perhaps they view it as final confirmation that I have become the blood traitor they have always thought of me as.”  
  
Jim pretends to ponder the vases as well but he’s not that interested in pottery. “Sounds pretty racist. Isn’t racism illogical?”  
  
“I find that even the belief in infinite diversity has its limits and apparently those limits include the diversity of our race. We are an insular people so I do not fault them. It is simply a result of a long ingrained culture.”  
  
Jim snorts which draws even more dark looks from the patrons passing through the room. “Well I fault them. It sounds stupid. DNA should not determine the way anyone is treated.”  
  
“I do not disagree. I have long refused to allow their prejudice to affect me. That being said, I appreciate your sentiment.”  
  
Suddenly Jim is awash with guilt remembering the conversation they had in Spock’s kitchen less than 7 days ago. “Does the way the crew treats you remind you of the way you’re treated here?”  
  
Spock’s silence is indicative of his hesitancy to the answer the question which is an answer in and of itself. “On occasion I am reminded of it. The feelings of ostracism are somewhat different as the crew members avoid me, but they still treat me with respect and do not treat me as some aberration. It simply reminds me, it is not the same.”  
  
“I’m glad,” Jim says. “I’d hate to think you’ve spent your whole life being treated this way.”  
  
“I find humans to be a much more forgiving species. It is one of your strengths.”  
  
Jim smiles at Spock and they move into a room that shows the evolution of Vulcans from the native feline primates of Vulcan into the intelligent species they are today.  
  
“The universe is amazing,” Jim states simply.  
  
“I could not agree more.”  
  
**  
The afternoon market is blistering but Jim is awash in excitement. Everything here is new! There are little restaurant stalls selling the equivalent of hand pies. They are filled with root vegetables and spices and Jim loves them. He eats two. Another vendor is selling grilled vegetables that look like squash. They are less good but Jim still likes them. Spock watches him with an amused expression as he flits from stall to stall pointing at various objects and inquiring after their price and origin.  
  
Jim looks at knick-knacks and decorations that would look right at home at Spock’s apartment or his parent’s house. He falls in love with a little purple statue of something that looks like a cross between a gargoyle and a cat. He buys it immediately. Spock looks at him with an eyebrow raised in question and Jim says, “I don’t know. It reminds me of you.”  
  
The expression on Spock’s face shifts to one that Jim recognizes, lust and affection. If they weren’t in public, Jim thinks he would have received the kiss of a lifetime.  
  
He pockets the statue and they continue to wander through the market until Jim can no longer handle the afternoon sun. They walk back to the house through the shaded areas between buildings but Jim continues to sweat.  
  
“Thanks for taking me around today.”  
  
“I enjoyed it as well.”  
  
When they get back to the house, it’s getting close to evening and JIm retires to his room for the cool air and a short nap to regain some energy that was sapped by the desert heart. Spock comes and retrieves him at dinner which they share with Amanda. It is some sort of pasta with a delicious green sauce that tastes like tomatoes. Dinner is a quiet somewhat tense affair and after they finish eating, Spock announces his intention to complete the donation and depart.  
  
Amanda argues back shortly but eventually understands his logic. It seems she is sad for him to go but recognizes the two of them need to get back to work. She squeezes Jim’s hand as says, “Spock, I’m so glad you’ve finally brought your Jim home to meet us.” 

“I am thankful for his presence as well.”  
  
“I only wish Sarek were around to meet him as well. I believe he would have approved of your choice having married a human as well. I’m glad you’ve finally found someone.”  
  
At the word married, Jim swallows the food in his mouth hard and takes a large swallow of water. “It was nice to meet you too ma’am.”  
  
“You should call me Amanda.” She places her plate in the washer and heads to bed, declaring exhaustion after a trying day, leaving Jim and Spock alone.  
  
Jim drops his fork and snaps, “What the fuck Spock? Why does your mom think we are getting married?”  
  
“I may have alluded to the romantic nature of our relationship when I told her would accompany me to Vulcan.”  
  
Jim stares at Spock until he caves. “My mother is a perceptive woman. As a coworker, you were a large part of my work life and I mentioned you many times while relaying anecdotes to her. At some point she realized my preference for you and inferred our relationship was more than professional. She believes we have been in a romantic relationship for quite some time”  
  
“And you didn’t tell her she was wrong?” Jim says all to loudly as some sort of rage builds in him. He tries to tamp it down but it’s already out of control as he stands up.  
  
Spock crosses his arms. “I did not dissuade her of her belief. She has always been concerned about my inability to form attachments both platonic and romantic and the news made her unaccountably happy. I did not wish to take that from her.”  
  
“Are you sure that’s the reason?” Jim says leaning over the table to use his full height to tower over Spock in his seat. “Are you sure it wasn’t your sick pleasure in feeling like what you wanted was true? That you were obsessed with me and you loved pretending like you had me? Did you like that? Coming into work every day and wishing we were in a real relationship when I hated your guts?”  
  
“Jim, I believe you are overreacting to a small misstep on my part, it is illogical-”  
  
“Don’t tell me what is illogical. Feelings aren’t always logical and you’d know that if you could have one for once in your life.”  
  
Spock pushes out his chair as Jim’s words hit him in full. He stands so quickly that his head almost collides with Jim. When he has standing he has the height advantage and Jim has to look up slightly to continue to make eye contact. “Jim I do not understand your anger. Perhaps we should continue this conversation when you can think rationally.”  
  
“I can think rationally right now and rationally I don’t like being used.”  
  
“Jim - I saw no harm in the matter. In truth, I never thought you would find out since your dislike of me was so evident I did not believe we would come to a place where it would be relevant to you. It was simply a convenient way of alleviating my mother’s worry.”  
  
The word convenient echoes in Jim’s mind and he grows even angrier. “I am not convenient,” Jim grits out before storming from the room.

Once he’s safe in his room with the door shut and locked, he sits on the bed and puts his face in his hands. His throat feels tight with anger. He stood there berating Spock and Jim  didn’t even know why he was so angry.

Then it hits him. He thought this was for real. All that talk over the last two weeks. Spock’s affections. It feels less honest now.  
  
Jim knows he’s a good lay. A lot of people do. And maybe, just maybe, he admits to himself, he was excited to be more than just a convenient bed warmer for someone. And what Spock said made him feel used and manipulated. Shame hits him pretty hard. This is his problem, not Spock’s and instead of reacting like a normal person, he yelled at him and stormed out.

He takes a few minutes to center his breathing and question himself. If he can’t handle something like this, how will he handle being a captain? He realizes he’s not sure and feels even more ashamed. What if flies off the handle for no reason? He’s never done it before while on duty, something about the responsibility focuses him, but that doesn’t stop the anxiety from creeping up. He walks up to Spock’s bedroom and convinces himself that he has to knock and talk through this.

He only has to tap once before Spock swings open the door. Jim takes one look at his face and feels even worse. He’d gotten used to some sort of brightness lighting in Spock’s eyes when he looks at him but right now they are dull and it’s all Jim’s fault. 

“Could we talk? I’m really sorry.”

Spock lets him into his room with a look like it’s against his better judgment. Jim crosses and sits in the reading chair in the corner and gestures for Spock to sit on the bed. It makes him feel slightly relieved when Spock takes the seat with only minor hesitation.

“I know my reaction was unreasonable. But I’d like to explain myself a little if that is ok with you.”

Spock makes a gesture indicating he should proceed. 

Jim runs a hand through his hair and then rubs his hands together nervously. “I think I was getting used to the idea of you.”

Spock quirks an eyebrow in silent question.

“You know the idea of you. Of us.”

Understanding dawns on Spock’s face.

“It might seem trivial to you but - and you’ve literally mentioned this to me before so I know you at least think it - I’ve always been somewhat...easy? I guess that’s the word. Easy.”

“By your use of the word ‘easy’, are you referring to your promiscuous reputation?”

“Yes, but promiscuous sounds way worse than easy,” Jim replies a small bite coming into his tone. He reminds himself Spock is not being derogatory and the frustration immediately eases. “Sorry,” he says again. “I’m really on edge.”

“That is evident.”

Jim takes another deep breath. “Anyway, I have always been _promiscuous_. It’s kind of what I was known for in high school. And one of the many things I was known for at the academy. Sex didn’t mean much to me more than a fun way to pass the time. And my partners were usually the same. And at some point, it became less fun but I didn’t stop. It all started to feel lackluster and like whoever I was with was just chasing their orgasm and didn’t care about mine and it reminded me too much--,” Jim breaks off, maybe now was not the time to divulge that piece of information.  “I mean, it came to a point where I was always hoping that maybe someone would stick around and make me feel less used. And now I’m hoping that you’ll stick around.”

Spock looks a little confused but doesn’t say anything. When it becomes evident that Jim is done talking, Spock responds, “I am slightly confused as to how this relates to your emotional outburst.”

“You’d used me Spock. Maybe not in any ways that matter, but you did. I was a tool to you for however long you’ve been lying to you mom about us.” Jim feels a pain behind his eyes as they threaten to tear up. He pinches the bridge of his nose and continues. “It wasn’t something I thought you’d do and I was disappointed in you. I know I should have just told you and not yelled or been cruel, but you hurt me. You hurt me before you even knew me.”

Spock frowns slight and looks down at his hands in his lap before crossing the room to kneel down in front of Jim and grasping his hands. Jim doesn’t pull away. “What did it remind you of Jim?” He says it quietly in soft tone with no demands or expectations and Jim nearly does cry.

He laughs without any humor in it.

“I don’t think you want to know.”

Spock squeezes his hand and says, “I do.”

So, against his better judgment, he explains it to Spock. Bones is the only other person he’s ever told and they’d been roaring drunk at the time. He explains Tarsus. He explains Kodos. How the governor had taken a liking to him and Jim thought it was because he was special. Then the famine began to take root and he thought he could get away with stealing from him. That he wouldn’t notice. After the kids Jim was providing for started disappearing, Jim realized Kodos did notice.

“Did you really think I kept you around because I thought you were worth anything? Of course not. I saw you and knew you’d turn out to be useful with that hero complex of yours. Once we culled the inferior population, I wanted to have you. And once I realized you were sneaking out to feed those rats, I found you had a different purpose. Thank you for helping me eradicate them.”

Jim had screamed and tried to hit him, but he was small and young and it didn’t take much to restrain him.

Kodos had called for his guards and whispered in his ear, “I’m sure I’ll find you have other uses.”

“Was this the cause of your distress last Wednesday?” Spock says once Jim falls silent.

“Yes,” Jim says as he wipes away a few stray tears with the back of his hand.

"You know that you are not at fault in this matter. What was done to you was unforgivable.”

“I know. It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.”

“While that is true, I do not believe that justifies what has happened to you and you should allow yourself to grieve for this injustice.”

Jim laughs hoarsely. 

“Forgive me if I overstep my bounds, but I believe, when we return to Earth, it would be wise for you to schedule a meeting with a counselor. It seems you have much in your past that troubles you.” 

Jim nods, feeling numb. “Do you think this would make me a bad captain?”

“I do not believe you could ever be a bad captain. But if you pursue treatment for you mental health, you would undoubtedly be a great captain. Furthermore, I have never seen you mistreat any of the crew when under mental distress.” 

Jim’s laugh is a bit more real when he replies, “Any of them except you.”

“I was excluding myself as our relationship has always been strained and any mistreatment from you would be based on the foundation of misunderstanding we have shared.

“Yeah you’re right.”

“Will you do it, Jim? Will you speak to someone?”

The thought of seeing a counselor only brings back the counselors Starfleet forced him to see right after Tarsus where he felt too vulnerable and not believed. But then he thinks of the Enterprise and maybe being captain and being with Spock and he feels hopeful. He smiles a wry smile and says, “It can’t hurt right?” 

They end up in the same bed again that night with Spock rubbing delicate circles into Jim’s back. Jim falls asleep with his head quieter than it has been in awhile.

**

The next day they pack their things and Jim takes Spock to hospital. Vulcan has been nice but damn is he looking forward to cooler weather.

The donation process is short as they take a small sample of Spock’s bone marrow and blood. It is very strange to watch the blood bag fill green instead of red.

Once they complete the visit, they return to Spock’s house to pick up their things before catching the shuttle. Amanda looks at them with tired eyes as they leave. She pulls Jim into a hug and thanks him for taking care of Spock. She tells Spock that she will keep talking to Sarek and Spock nods tightly.

Before Jim can really take in everything that’s happening during the flurry of travel, they’re aboard the transport and settled inside their compartment with it’s two small beds and lack of storage.

Jim flops onto the bed and lets out a big groan.

“May I inquire as to what is amiss Mr Kirk?”

Jim looks over at Spock and gives him the stink eye. “I’m back to Mr. Kirk now? I tell you a deep dark secret and here we are back to square one? Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”

“I find formality a comfort when other beings indulge in emotional responses,” Spock says as he hefts their meager luggage onto the shelf above the porthole.

Jim sits up and for once, he’s not angry about Spock’s word choice. And while he might not be angry, he still wants to point it out. “Maybe you shouldn’t say things like “indulge in emotions” especially to humans. We’re not choosing to feel the way we feel.”

Spock seems to take that in for a moment. “You are right. I was speaking from a Vulcan perspective which I see now is not correct.”

He gets a notification on his comm that says he has a new email and when he opens it his jaw drops.

The review board had selected HIM. He’s going to be captain!

“Jim, are you well?”

Jim looks up at Spock and shuts his mouth. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Did you want to play chess?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PTSD, flashbacks, oblique reference to off-screen sexual abuse of a minor, any and all Tarsus stuff including mentions of genocide
> 
> If you skip from Jim's internal monologue  
> "Jim realized Kodos did notice."  
> to Spock saying "Forgive me if I overstep my bounds," you will miss almost all of the triggers except the genocide bit but that is canon so you will run into it a little (no graphic stuff I promise).
> 
> Lastly, I want to say that my intention of writing Spock supporting Jim through PTSD is not supposed to be interpreted as "romance will save you." My own personal experience with this is that I started dating someone who was very supportive of my mental illness and that laid the foundation that made me believe that medication and therapy were right for me. That all being said, my purpose with that scene is to say "sometimes having a stable relationship in your life (platonic or romantic) can help you pursue recovery."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly the end! I'll also be posting the epilogue today so this will be complete!
> 
> A quick warning for not super descriptive sex.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I've had so much fun writing this and every comment makes me glad I did :)

When they get back to earth, Jim begs off almost immediately. He needs to talk to someone who isn’t Spock about this. Should he tell him? He doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news.

 He hates the way Spock looks distinctly hurt as he rushes away from the hangar.

 Once he drops his suitcase on the floor of his apartment, he calls Bones. It’s six pm so he should be free at this point.

 As always Bones answers the call with a grumbled, “What do you want kid?”

 “I got the job,” he says.

 Immediately Bones’ tone shifts, “What are you kidding me! That’s fantastic!”

 “Yeah I guess it is.”

 “Wait why don’t you sound excited? You should be excited.”

 “It’s Spock,” Jim replies, feeling defeated. He wanders over to his couch and flops down on it.

 “Spock,” Bones says and Jim can’t ignore the incredulity in his tone.

 “I haven’t told him yet. I don’t know how to tell him.”

 “Remind me why you care?”

 “I don’t know Bones. I think I might be in love with him.”

 There’s is a loaded pause. “I’m coming over.”

 When Bones arrives he comes toting a bottle of whiskey. Jim waves him off. “I don’t feel like drinking.”

 Bones fixes him with a raised eyebrow that rivals Spock’s. “This isn’t for you. This is for me. I feel like i might need it if we’re going to talk about how much you love Spock.”

 So Bones pours himself a glass of whiskey and sits on the chair across from the couch and listens as Jim tells him everything even if he already knows some of it. The conversation with Scotty that started it all. The awkward car rides to and from home. Spock’s constant consideration when Jim wasn’t biting his head off (and even when he was). The kiss that Jim half expected but was still surprised by. The way Spock took care of him while he was sick with food poisoning. Their date that made everything fall into place. Going to Vulcan and meeting Spock’s mom. Telling him about his past. How it all felt like too much and not enough simultaneously.

 After the words stop he looks up at Bones who is considering his glass. “So are you actually going to see a therapist?”

 “Is that what you got out of all of that?”

 “Hey, I’ve been needling you to go to one for years and the hobgoblin spends a week with you and convinces you to do it? I’m not sure if I’m hurt or if I’m proud of the damn Vulcan.”

 Jim laughs a little and it makes his chest feel less tight. “Yes, I think Spock is right. And yes you’ve been right too. I’m hoping it will help a little.”

 Bones nods. “Good. Honestly Jim, it sounds like you really like the guy. It’s hard for me to believe since just two weeks ago you couldn’t stop complaining about him, but as my granny used to say, ‘the heart wants what the heart wants even if its stupid.’”

 “Sounds like you and your granny had a lot in common.”

 “Damn straight.”

 Jim sits in silence for a moment before speaking again. “To be honest, and god this makes me feel stupid for admitting, but I think I’ve liked Spock for a long time and treated him the way I did because I was angry he didn’t like me. He hasn’t done anything rude to me since that week of our first mission and I’ve just been going on and misinterpreting everything he did as evidence that he hated me as much as I hated him.”

 “So you were acting like a child on a playground and being mean to get his attention?”

 “Huh, way to get to the heart of it, Bones.”

 “I call em like I see em.”

 There’s a pause and Jim says, “I don’t know Bones. I’m afraid all this is a bad decision. What if being in a relationship with Spock, with our history, is a terrible idea?”

 “How would you feel if you weren’t in a relationship with him?”

 “Probably terrible.”

 “Then that’s your answer.”

 “What if I tell him I’m captain and Spock hates me and everything falls apart?”

 “You won’t know until you tell him. He’s going to find out eventually.”

 Jim nods and hates the fear clenching his stomach into a knot.

 “So you’re really gonna give this a go then?” Bones asks before draining his glass.

 “I want to. I just hope he does.”

 **

 Once Bones leaves, it’s 8 o’clock but Jim hopes Spock isn’t asleep yet. He sends him a message asking him if he could come over and that he wants to talk. Spock replies almost immediately accepting his invitation.

 Spock arrives and when Jim opens the door for him, Spock enters the room with a look of such extreme trepidation that Jim is certain he believes Jim is going to end whatever it is they are doing.

 Jim sits on the couch and pats the cushion next to him. Spock sits down but perches on the edge of the cushion like he’s ready to leave at any moment. Jim runs his hands down his jeans to still his own nerves.

 “Spock - I invited you over because I wanted to talk to you about our relationship.”  Spock stiffens a little but Jim continues, “I’m really thankful that you brought me home with you and that I was able to be there to support you and I’m sorry about how it went. I talked to Bones when I got back about everything that’s gone on between us and how we don’t have a really good foundation for a relationship since we’ve- well, I’ve been at your throat for the better part of a year. It made me realize I don’t care about that. That what I want is to give this a try for real. Being together. It might be a little hard at first but you make me feel- I don’t know you make me feel safe somehow. Cared about. And I want that with you.”

 Jim takes Spock’s hand and presses a kiss to the palm. “Do you still want that?’

 The tension melts from Spock’s body and his breathing hitches as Jim continues to press kisses along the line of his hand. “Yes, Jim. It is all I have wanted since I met you.”

 It’s Jim’s turn to relax. While he didn’t really expect to be rejected but it was still a possibility.

 Before he has a chance to say anything else, Spock is on him, pressing their lips together and Jim feels that familiar thrum of kissing someone he desperately wants to kiss. This time instead of pushing Jim away when he runs his hand up Spock’s back, rucking his shirt up, Spock rises onto his knees and takes it off. Jim inhales sharply. Spock’s body is beautiful just like Jim thought it would be. His skin is tinged every so slightly green, the color offset by the deep black of his chest hair which tapers down into his pants. And Jim wasn’t wrong all those times he had thought about the way Spock would look naked so slim and strong. Jim so badly wants to taste him, take his sage nipples into his mouth, feel the scratch of his hair on his face.

 Spock smirks a little and leans down to cup Jim’s cheek in his hand. He runs a thumb along Jim’s lower lip before pulling him into another kiss. It’s so unbelievably tender that Jim feels his heart clutch. “Do you maybe want to...uh take this to the bedroom?” Jim asks, hoping Spock will finally say yes.

 Spock stands and offers Jim his hand. Together they walk into his bedroom and fall back on the bed. And Jim knows he should tell Spock about the captain thing but he’s so caught up in touching and being touched that he completely forgets. They make out on the bed, shedding clothes in turn until they are bare against each other. After many minutes of touching and preparation to the point where Jim is begging, Spock finally slips inside of him and it’s everything Jim had hoped.

 **

 Spock left after they had sex but for once it didn’t make Jim feel convenient. He had left after a tender kiss that lasted far too long considering they had both just come but Jim found he didn’t mind.

 He sleeps in a bliss that only really good sex gives you and when he wakes up in the morning, he spends most of the time with a grin on his face.

 He runs into Spock outside the office building and is reminded of what he didn’t say yesterday. Spock greets him politely and Jim would think it was a brush off if his eyes didn’t positively scream affection. Spock pauses before they reach the door and says, “My father has decided to accept the treatment.”

 “Oh my god Spock, that’s amazing! I’m so glad he changed his mind.”

 “I am also thankful though I am certain my mother had no small part in it.”

 “Your mom does seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t take no for answer.”

 “That is quite accurate.”

 Spock turns to open the door and Jim grabs his elbow to stop him. “Spock there was something I didn’t tell you yesterday and I should have.”

 Spock steps back from the doorway and some of the fear from the day before creeps back into his expression.

 Jim looks away and says quickly, “I got the promotion.”

 Spock now looks confused, his eyebrows pinched together. “I am aware that you will now be captain. I have known since I withdrew myself from candidacy.”

“What?” Jim nearly shouts. Several people wandering into the office stare at him as they pass.

“I withdrew myself from candidacy. A very intelligent young man told me that I might have missed my calling as a science officer and, weighing my desire to continue studying the universe against my desire to captain a starship. I found the former greatly outweighed the latter.”

“So, have you gotten appointed to the new position yet?”

“I have the application ready for submission. I am simply waiting until the new captain is appointed.” Now Spock’s eyes are glittering with laughter and Jim smiles.

“You want to stay on the Enterprise?”

“If you will have me.”

“Nothing would make me happier,” Jim says, his chest tightening as excitement fills him.

Spock reaches out and takes his hand. Jim looks down at where their fingers are joined and feels honored that Spock is willing to share so much affection with him in public.

“We will have to submit an acknowledgment of our relationship to the admirals.”

Jim groans. “Can’t we just enjoy the moment, Spock?”

Spock returns Jim’s complaint by citing a regulation which Jim rolls his eyes at. They begin walking down the corridor and Jim can imagine exactly this for the next 5 years. Hopefully forever.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short, very sweet. Thank you so much for reading!

Jim answers the vidcall from captain- _Admiral_ Pike. He’s glad to see his old commanding officer’s smiling face.

“Admiral, “ Jim says as he answers the call in his quarters.

“Captain,” Pike says back seriously before bursting into laughter. “How is the old girl doing?”

“Better than ever,” Jim replies. It’s been six months into the five year mission and he still can’t believe how lucky he is.They’ve already seen so much but Jim thinks he could do this forever.

“And how are things with your first officer?” Pike’s grin is nearly salacious.

“They’re going very well thank you. He really is a fantastic first officer. I can’t believe he keeps up with both the duties of being first and the science officer,” Jim replies. “He seems to love it though.”

“I told you he was good! You were too busy pulling his pigtails to notice.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Is our relationship still the talk of the Admiralty?” Jim asks. When they first got together, Jim reluctantly agreed with Spock to fill out the relationship disclosure form. Nobody could believe it at first and Jim had to agree to an in-person interview with the Admirals. They got a somewhat judgmental stamp of approval, but Jim didn’t care. Even if they had denied him, he thinks he would have found a way to be with Spock.

Spock enters Jim’s quarters as he does most days after his shift. He’s kept his separate first officer’s quarters for the sake of a space of his own but they spend most evenings together.

“Who are you speaking with?” he asks as he comes up behind Jim and places his hands on his shoulders.

Jim leans into his touch minutely and says, “Admiral Pike.”

“It is good to see you, sir,” Spock says with all the normal politeness he saves for everyone except Jim. In the last several months of their relationship, Jim has come to realize that he wasn’t totally wrong about Spock. He does have an acerbic tone and is too smart for his own good. But Jim has gotten better at giving as good as he gets and realizing that what was once interpreted as spite was really Spock being himself. Albeit his Vulcan self. Which sometimes makes it hard not to be offended. Jim has gotten a lot better at interpreting the meaning behind what Spock says and not just hearing the words. He thinks he might be the only person besides Uhura that can do it. Though their relationship has really buffered Spock’s interactions with the crew members who look up to Jim. Which is most of them.

“Good to see you as well,” Pike says. “Jim says things are going well?”

“That is my assessment as well.”

Before Pike can reply, the yellow alert lights turn on and Jim stands quickly. “Gotta go. Sorry!”

Pike nods in understanding as Jim shuts of the call. He turns to look at Spock and they jog through the doors together towards the bridge and all Jim can think is _damn life is good_.


End file.
